Saturday, 8 September 2012

"And I can't help but wonder just where I'm meant to be"

It is SO easy to lose sight of what's kept you striving for your dreams when you feel as though you're halfway there; the only thing getting me through living in Eastbourne, besides my friends and excessive amounts of alcohol/illegal substances, was my writing. Knowing that just one day, I'd be living in London, writing my arse off for a super cool publication, attending amazing events. Well...I'm living in London and working my arse off at a typical 9 to 5, saving up (or attempting too) for driving lessons, Open University and a place of my own. I know I'll get there eventually, I'm just taking my time.

Despite being surrounded by a handful of completely amazing, inspirational people, it's always difficult to continue aspiring to something when you feel as though you're nearly there. It's the lazy trait in me that always justifies sleeping in until 1pm rearing it's head that tells me to slow down, to take my time. I'm only 19, I know I have forever to climb the aspiration ladder. Having this sort of attitude doesn't exactly push you into bettering yourself; I'm all about taking risks and making the most of opportunities; I normally only apply this this to my hair as opposed to my actual life - if I dye my hair and it goes wrong, I can laugh it off, whereas if I  apply for a job and get rejected, that's my pride and dignity messed with. I've never been a fan of that (except after a Jagermeister or two).

I'll be the first to admit that I've got lazy; I've lost motivation and a night out, spending stupid amounts of money on alcohol that's only going to make me sick 2 hours later, seems to appeal to me much more than a driving lesson.
I've always been known as ambitious - maybe it's because I'm incredibly stubborn and once I get an idea into my head, I refuse to let it drop. But teamed with tardiness, ambition hasn't exactly been my best friend. I've got used to the routine I've let myself become accustomed too and until 4 nights ago, I honestly thought this would be okay. Like I said, I'm halfway to where I want to be eventually, why am I rushing?

But, 3 nights ago, I had a conversation - or rather somebody spoke to me, I listened - that made me realise it isn't okay to accept things as they are. If we stop dreaming, aspiring to something, we may as well just settle down and give up. Accept that you're never going to better yourself and start counting the 100% attendance certificates from secondary school that you were awarded with because if you give up now, that's as good as it's going to get.

I'm not going to lie, when the conversation took place I was a little bit drunk (a tiny bit). I don't remember it word for word but what I do remember went something like this "don't give up on your dreams, don't let stupid chavvy boys get in your way and make sure you achieve something. You're headstrong, I know you're not stupid but just make sure you try to pursue the career you want." - the conversation came from somebody I met 5 months ago. I rarely listen to my parents because what 19 year old does? But hearing that sort of thing come from the mouth of somebody who hasn't known me that long has really opened my eyes to what's around me; everything there is for me to achieve and pursue, the relationships I've missed opportunities because of and the people I've wasted my time on.

I haven't been able to write in so long and I'll hold my hands up and admit that it's because I've either been too lazy or too drunk but that's about to change. I'm throwing myself head first into writing and pursuing it as a career and regardless of how long that takes me, at least I'll know it's not for my lack of trying.

"If you fail, well at least you know you tried."

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