Sunday, 30 December 2012

We are the wreckless, we are the wild youth chasing visions of our future.

As 2012 comes to a close, I'm sat in my bedroom at my parents house wondering how the hell I've ended up exactly where I am right now; when I entered 2012, I was in Oxford with my best friend, her boyfriend, a very cute boy and 10 other strangers. I wasn't drunk but at 2am, I did cocaine with previously mentioned cute boy and fell asleep half naked in his Smurfs t-shirt. I was in a strange house and it was my first New Years without my family around me but I think, just maybe, I entered 2012 with a bang. I had no expectations for the year ahead which was a first for me and when somebody asked me what I wanted to get from the next 12 months, I think I answered with "ridiculously drunk". Wow.

Despite sticking to my word and spending the majority of the past 12 months absolutely hammered, I've made some pretty awesome memories:
Moving to London, experiencing my first taste of being on a 'press list' and absolutely loving in, seeing amazing musicians perform live, being involved in such a beautiful team with, the ups and downs of relationships, meeting somebody who changed my outlook on love entirely, watching my writing escalate and finally understanding just why I love it so much, seeing one of my close friends embrace motherhood and watching her baby grow into the most beautiful, innocent little person ever, appreciating my passion and learning how to use it properly, falling in love with London's transport system, watching my relationship with my Mum flourish, having my own house with the best housemates I could have possibly wished for, spending the night on the sofa of an ex 'pop-star' off my face and talking about music and politics, days wasted in bed next to somebody I really love (even now, in the bitter aftermath), exploring London, V Festival, Play it Forward, waking up in a friend's bed with a dry mouth and no memory of the night before, Boris Bikes, breakfast in Clapham South, realising who is worth my time and effort, getting to grips with every single lesson I've learnt in 2012 and attempting to take notes along the way. It's been a busy year.

I've also met some AMAZING people, individuals who I can't even begin to write about because there's too much to say but I'm certain they know who they are...
I should also point out that only a number of people I've met in previous years have remained through to 2012 and it's those people who I'm truly grateful for. They've known me long enough to understand my flaws and they've accepted me for them which is something only great people are capable of.

I've had one of the loveliest, most stressful, inspiring, busiest, eye-opening years I've had yet and when I reflect upon the last 12 months, nothing but a smile comes to my face. I have a lot of expectations riding on 2013 because I'm determined to make it something extraordinary but right now, I wish nothing but a kick ass New Years Eve for everyone and a lot of happiness, laughter, love and wisdom to be carried through to 2013.


We'll fast forward to a few years later & no one knows except the both of us...

If it weren't for your maturity, none of this would have happened. If you weren't so wise beyond your years, I would have been able to control myself. If it weren't for my attention, you wouldn't have been successful and if it weren't for me, you would never have amounted to very much.

This could be messy but you don't seem to mind. Don't go telling everybody and overlook this supposed crime. We'll fast forward to a few years later and no-one knows except the both of us and I'll have honoured your request for silence and you've washed your hands clean of this.

You're essentially an employee and I like you having to depend on me. You're kind of my protege and one day you'll say you learned all you know from me. I know you depend on me like a young thing would to a guardian. I know you sexualise me like a young thing would and I think I like it.

What part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept? What part of your memory if selective and tends to forget? What with this distance it seems so obvious? This could be messy but you don't seem to mind. Don't go telling everybody and overlook this supposed crime. We'll fast forward to a few years later and no-one knows except the both of us and I'll have honoured your request for silence and you've washed your hands clean of this.

Just make sure you don't tell on me especially to members of your family. We best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner posse. I wish I could tell the world 'cause you're such a pretty thing when you're done up properly. I might want to marry you one day if you watch your weight and keep your firm body.

This could be messy but you don't seem to mind. Don't go telling everybody and overlook this supposed crime. We'll fast forward to a few years later and no-one knows except the both of us and I'll have honoured your request for silence and you've washed your hands clean of this.

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

"You're actually quite wise..." "Yeah, it's why everyone calls me The Owl..."

Firsts of everything can be scary; I remember my first day at school, holding my book bag like it was made of gold and not wanting to leave the house - I wanted to stay at home and watch episodes of Supermarket Sweep with my Mum, eating digestive biscuits on the sofa. My first kiss was in a field 10 minutes from my house, with my first boyfriend (his name was Demar), 15 minutes after my curfew...I was 10, he put his tongue in my mouth and I squirmed and said his tongue felt like a mushroom. My first day at a new school in Eastbourne. The first time I had sex (I was older than 10 and his tongue didn't feel like a mushroom). My first important exam. My first day at college. The first time I stayed at home without my parents. The first day I moved from Eastbourne to London, alone. My first day at a new job.

Although my brother also worked at the company, my first day at my new job was still absolutely terrifying. People had formed their opinion of me before I had even started because of my brother but I'm lucky because he's polite, funny and knows the expressions to pull so people think he's listening to them when they moan. I had been tarred with a good brush. Despite not having to worry about first impressions, seeing as my brother had sorted this for me, I still had a list as long as my forearm of "Things to Worry About When You Start a New Job" (#3 - hearing your manager go for a poo, whilst making conversation with you through cubicles). There was only so much my brother could do for me and given that the only thing we have in common is our eyes, I didn't want people to think I lived in his shadow. 

I'm a people pleaser so my main priority, whenever I have a 'first day' at something, is making sure nobody is whispering behind my back - and if they are, I want them to be whispering things like "Wow, she can handle her drink!" or "She's so cool and interesting and cultured, I need her in my life". These two things have never, ever been whispered behind my back, or shouted in my face either. Hence why I tend to try and people please to the maximum because I'm hoping that one day, somebody will take pity on me (or read this) and my quest to finally meet somebody who notices my drinking ability and my brilliant conversational skills will be complete. 
Whenever I hear that somebody isn't particularly fond of me, I'll do everything I'm capable of doing to change their mind. I'll never compromise my morals or my beliefs just so somebody will ask me to go to lunch with them but I am pretty persistent with my crusade. I won't stop until I have a reason for their distaste and even once I have this, I still attempt to alter their opinion of me. What can I say? I just like to be liked.

Just to clear things up, this 'new job' that I'm banging on about is at a debt collection agency. I've been working there for 7 months and I think I've won enough people over to feel comfortable in knowing nobody is going to put death threats in my locker or put laxatives in my tea. But, for the first couple of months, there was somebody who completely intimidated me, for reasons I'm still yet to understand, but I was petrified of saying the wrong thing because in my eyes, they were the coolest person I'd met (at this job, anyway). I didn't want to mess up, I didn't want them to see me as an awkward, chubby teenager and I most certainly didn't want them to dislike me.

My people pleasing tendencies kicked in and I sunk into "I'll make you like me" mode. Unfortunately, whenever I plan things, things seem to mess up even more and my first proper conversation with this person involved me hysterically crying and shouting "just don't touch me!" as they tried to comfort me. Nice one, Vick, doing well.

The more I tried to play the situation cool (or really, attempt to make this person like me without coming across like the biggest weirdo ever), the more I ended up embarrassing myself. I swear on the whole of John Lennon's discography that I have more trouble building friendships than I do relationships because I really do care too much about what people think. 
I'd heard that this person was quite similar to myself; similar music tastes, beliefs, opinions (except when it comes down to tattoos, Caitlin Moran and gingerbread) and hobbies - so I saw no reason for us not to get on...except, there was clearly something out there that didn't want us to be friends. So, I accepted that and I stopped trying to be cool, I gave into the stupid things that'd escape my mouth every time I spoke & over time, I accepted that sometimes people just aren't supposed to swap make-up tips & telephone numbers.

The minute I fully accepted that there was obviously something wrong with this person for them not to like me, was the moment things started to change. Suddenly, we'd start to talk about our weekend plans, our upcoming gigs and on one crazy afternoon, we even secretly ran to the shops for cigarettes and cake. It was on this particular afternoon that I realised that two things: the first thing was that this person understood me more than I originally thought as after 2 minutes of me non-stop rambling on about a pathetic work issue, she stopped me in my tracks and said "what the fuck are you going on about? Quit talking about work, you're so much more interesting than that. You have a life and you have ambitions. Talk to me about those." and the second thing was that sometimes you just need to chill out about a situation & things will slot into place; you shouldn't force a friendship, these things happen as & when and sometimes, the best sort of friendships are built on a little bit of a rocky foundation.

5 months later, we regularly go for lunch together, swap books and discuss our sex lives with no details spared. If you'd have told me the outcome of these events all that time ago when I would go home and literally spend hours wondering why this one person refused to like me, I'd probably have chilled out a bit more. 
As we sat in a pub/restaurant in Streatham High Road 4 weeks ago, drinking mojitos and swapping life stories like Pokemon cards in the 90s, I realised that inspiration CAN come from places we'd never expect.

When I originally moved to London, my plan was to meet lots of different individuals who would turn my world upside down. Individuals with ideas bigger than their very being. Individuals with passion and ambition flowing through their bloodstream. Individuals who are fearless, strong and excited. This is all because when I meet people like this, I begin to feel my blood boil and suddenly, I'm superhuman. I can write for days after a really cool 10 minute meeting and I question my whole existence for weeks, wondering how exactly I can grow into a better version of myself.

Now don't get me wrong, but I never thought for a second that I'd meet this type of person working for at a debt collection agency. I want to be a writer, it's that simple, and I'm inspired by people who appreciate the written word and authors like Harper Lee & Marcel Proust, people who have memorised Rainer Maria Rilke's entire work and people who don't just write because they have too but people who write because if they don't, they'll go mad. I know what that feels like and the minute I meet somebody who has to carry a pen around with them just in case they're hit with a perfect opening sentence for their book, I'm instantly encouraged. 

But as it turns out, the person that intimidated me the most happens to be my main source of inspiration during the hours of 9am to 5.30pm. What I find fascinating is that this one person's opinion, who 7 months ago had no effect on my life and my thought process, now alters how I think. I respect their opinion, their advice and most importantly, their time. It's not like we're particularly close outside of work, besides sharing a couple of rum and cokes and swapping a few drunken texts, but I've discovered that it's very rare to find somebody so extraordinary, somebody who inspires you so much in a situation that is so unimaginative.

Considering I work with my brother, I know I'm always going to be on the right path in terms of my day job. But meeting somebody at said day job, who does nothing but push me onto the right path in terms of my ambitions, my life and my mindset, is something not everyone is lucky enough to experience.
What's funny is that sometimes the people you least expect too suddenly have a huge effect on your life.

Most evenings, we share a 10 minute car journey together and it's on these journeys that I realise how lucky I am. One conversation in which I told her how I am/was completely besotted with a guy in a relationship stands out for me the most. This guy loves a few tears and when I explained this, the response is something that still makes me laugh;-

"Just fuck him and tell him to stop crying" - not the most moral, or in-depth, advice but the best advice I got given regarding the situation. He stopped crying.

My response to that? "You're actually quite wise." - "Yeah, it's why everyone calls me The Owl."

When I first started my job all I really wanted from it was experience, money to pay the bills and a few laughs between the hours of 9 and 5. The last thing I expected to take from it was somebody brand new who has changed, and shaped, my attitude to the point of no return. For once, I'm not even being dramatic.

First days are always scary. But, if I'd have been told on my first day of work that I'd have had my consciousness altered by somebody who isn't a writer, family or John Lennon, I'm certain I'd have spent less time worrying about hearing my manager on the toilet and more time on being myself. This being said, I'm really glad I put effort into trying to make somebody like me; sometimes you're put into really uncomfortable situations with people you're unfamiliar with to teach you how to become comfortable in your own skin. There's nothing more empowering than thinking "you know what? I am a rockstar" when the person you thought hated you is suddenly sat opposite you, drinking really sugary cocktails and giving you life advice.

There's also nothing more inspiring than being sat opposite the person you thought hated you, drinking really sugary cocktails, and realising they were in your position once upon time.
Not everything happens over night and a struggle is what makes the outcome so worth it. Listening to my very own "Owl" talk about childhood, aspirations and past relationships and realising we have more in common than I originally thought, everything started to slip into place. Sometimes, all you need is a good old test of character to encourage you to look back on where you've come from, work out who you are in the present and who you want to be in the future.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

"Live, travel, adventure, bless, and don't be sorry."

As I've said before (here: I LOVE LISTS.), I'm a huge fan of lists. I'm a fan of making them, following them and ripping them up when everything has been ticked off. It's the sense of accomplishment and self-fulfilment that comes with the writing of a list that gets me; knowing you're starting something you can potentially finish, setting yourself a challenge and not stopping until the 'to-dos' are surrounded by ticks...

A list I never thought I'd see myself ever being fond of is the list of regrets that, by the time I'm 80, will be the length of a football pitch. Don't get me wrong, I've never specifically set out to create a list of every single moment that makes me cringe but it just so happens that I find writing those moments down and learning from them actually helps me alter my actions. I know not to repeat the same mistake twice because it's on the list. It's just this list doesn't have ticks next to the separate lines. It's written in bold, with red ink underlining the most important, the ones I think drastic action needs to be taken against.

Before I get caught up in purging a couple of these regrets (if you don't read this and instantly feel like a better human being, there is something wrong with you), let me just say that I've never been one to believe in regrets. I see every single action as life experience. Something to write about. So many a list of regrets is the wrong phrase because I most certainly don't regret ever doing them, I just want to learn my lesson from what unfolded after I put my foot in it. I have stupid tattoos and I've killed my hair by dying it too much but I'd never regret any of this because at the time, it WAS exactly what I wanted. So please don't read this in a negative way. Everything on this list has made me the person I am today. Now, that may not be a good thing, depending on your view of me, but I'm still learning and part of that process involves what's written down on this list and how I digest it. It's all important;-

1) Never trust a girl with no girlfriends and never trust a boy with no boyfriends; they're not afraid to hurt you or fuck you around and their social skills need to be seriously investigated. What is life without friends to talk about wanking or period pains with?

2) Despite the offer of illegal substances, when you get invited to be a part of a threesome involving a gay guy and a lesbian girl, say no.

3) There's a reason why there's a sign saying "DO NOT CLIMB" next to the 10 foot red reindeer. Open your eyes and read it otherwise you'll end up with a cut up back and a bruise on your bum that will haunt you for weeks.

4) Never buy white Converse (self explanatory).

5) Understand timing. Bad timing can be the root of all evil and you'll be the only person to understand how serious this can be.

6) Be a good friend. It sounds so simple but when your friend texts you with a sad face at 3am and you're drunk and kissing a really hot guy...put him down for a second and call your friend back. That call could change everything...that guy probably can't.

7) Stop beating yourself up for writing something that isn't that great; you can't expect yourself to write exceptional pieces every single time you write. You're only human.

8) Don't necessarily take every single piece of their advice but listen when your parents talk. They have the best stories and know you better than you know yourself.

9) It may feel like on a Friday and Saturday night, wine is your best friend, but in the morning, you'll feel otherwise. Don't be fooled by your tired eyes and the stress the week has caused you.

10) Quit wasting days in bed.

11) Sometimes you have to waste days in bed; when you're laying next to somebody you really care about, discussing love, life and everything under the sun, sometimes the most perfect place is exactly where you are. Don't assume these moments have to be huge spontaneous adventures...things CAN change from your double bed.

12) When somebody taunts you for gaining a tiny bit of weight, or comments on how short your skirt is, just remember the journey you overcame to finally wear clothes that show your flesh or eat food that makes your stomach swell and your smile stretch.

13) Never underestimate your ability to push yourself. In the darkest moments, you'll surprise yourself at how much strength you have hidden away.

14) Be aware of what you throw to other people - especially those that don't deserve it. When you can no longer attack yourself, you'll attack the ones closest to you, those who genuinely care. Don't.

15) Don't be afraid to apologise. If you're in the wrong, accept it. Nobody likes a stubborn person, especially one who refuses to admit we all fuck up sometimes.

16) Don't be afraid to argue with your Doctor. If you don't feel right, get it checked, get it assessed, get it sorted. Even if they advise you you're perfectly healthy, only you know your body inside out.

17) Say thank you.

18) Never shun those who bore you. Even they have a story to tell.

19) Embrace every single musical genre you can get your ears on. Don't be afraid to do the dutty wine, the two step or the head bang. Get involved. Music can change the world...

20) Appreciate what you have, when you have it. Never take anything for granted and stop assuming you deserve everything you're given. Work hard and you'll reap the benefits. Don't bitch about something that only you have the ability to change.

Sunday, 21 October 2012

Maybe in our wildest moments, we could be the greatest.

"Sitting in the station, contemplating looks on people's faces wondering why they are smiling or what troubles they are facing. I don't know why I'm thinking it but I just take the time to sit and wonder what their dream is and how they're trying to chase it when an old lady comes and sits next to me. She says "next birthday I'll be 83. I fell in love with the world when I was 24, I've lived in Mexico, Columbia and Ecuador. Sat next to the Taj Mahal while the sun was rising, spent a year in Australia chasing the horizons. So take your guitar and do what you have to do. I know what you're scared of, I used to feel it too, you're not scared of climbing mountains, you're scared that you can't make them move." - Lucy Spraggan

I'm petrified of waking up one morning and having absolutely no passion, of not knowing how to write or how to express myself through words, I'm scared that I'm not good enough to turn this into a career and I hate that it's the only thing that evokes jealousy within me - not even jealousy, just a horrible feeling of "why should you be reaping the benefits when I've wanted this ever since I was a little girl?". It has the ability to turn me crazy and horrible and bitter. It's the strongest relationship I've ever had, better than any drug I've tried complete with a horrendous comedown that lasts for days after. 

I haven't been writing much lately because once I start, I can't stop and I become engulfed by emotions that make it impossible for me to deal with the real world for a little while. It all sounds very dramatic but it's the truth. The best explanation is comparing it to dabbling with drugs - the danger, the high, the low, the feeling you get as you feel it take over your's the best feeling and the worst feeling all mixed up in one. 

The last couple of weeks have been the craziest I've ever had; it's been non-stop. House hunting, working all the time, partying, different events, gigs, too much alcohol and some serious laughs. When everything is so lovely, I don't feel the need to drag myself into the mentality I seem to acquire when I write. It's intense and lovely and dangerous and it consumes me. It's the emotion I will always struggle with, because it is so difficult to understand. 

I'm going to spend the next couple of weeks trying to understand it, trying to get my head around why a simple task such as writing a review on my new favourite band, can turn me into the most difficult person to be around. I need to move my own mountains.

Sunday, 23 September 2012

"And love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears, get over your hill & see what you find there...

...with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."

2 years ago, I took a chance and sent a complete stranger my writing; I was 17, had absolutely no idea where I was going in life but I knew I wanted to write until my fingers were numb and I had a Pulitzer Prize under my belt. I had no idea where to start but I knew the conventional route was not for me. My parents believed in me but at the same time thought that maybe the conventional route was for the best...go to University, get a full time job, write on the side and see it as no more than a hobby. I needed somebody to believe in me, to encourage me to care more about writing than a pay packet at the end of the month, to be courageous.

3 hours after I sent the e-mail containing my writing to that complete stranger, I had a reply back. A lovely, lengthy e-mail that took me 45 minutes to read and completely digest; somebody had paid attention to my silly ramblings and took time out of their day to send me their thoughts. I printed the reply out and kept it in a box full of treasured things. It sat amongst friendship bracelets, postcards, key rings, photographs and notes from my first proper crush that we had swapped in Maths lessons years ago. Even to this day, 2 years on, the end of the reply gives me goosebumps:
"You're COMPLETELY on the right path and never, ever give up your dream. No matter how many times you may be told to. Because after all, you heard it from your Auntie Carrie"

This complete stranger has turned into one of my greatest inspirations. She's a pal as well as one of the best teachers I've ever had and it is without a doubt that Carrie Lloyd has had a huge affect on my brain. I send her e-mails full of questions for her to answer so I can just learn a little bit more, her advice is one of my most treasured possession (I had it stuck to my wall for a year...then I moved and it's now stuck in my journal. Some turn to vodka when they feel a bit down, I turn to Carrie's writing...and then vodka) and her life fascinates me...I could literally sit for hours and listen to her talk. 

When I sent that first e-mail to her, I never would have imagined that we'd still be in touch: phone calls for 2 hours about life, love and Carrie berating me for listening to ONE rap song (I can't even justify myself), e-mails at 2am in the morning, text messages discussing work and stories about chocolate ├ęclairs. Regardless of whether we talk every single day or once a month, I know Carrie's got my back. I can phone her in a complete state over the tiniest of things and by the end of the conversation have a plan of action on how to attack the problem, super calm and collected like nothing had even bothered me in the first place. It's amazing how somebody has the ability to change your thought process so easily.

So, when Carrie told me she was moving to California for 9 months, the first thing that came to mind, rather selfishly, was "how the fuck am I going to cope?" - there's an 8 hour time difference meaning there's always going to be a delay on replies, it costs a bomb to text the USA from the UK which means phoning is completely out of the question as well and I'm so incapable of using technology that WhatsApp isn't even an options. Whose phone am I going to be able to call up and leave a 2 minute voicemail of me singing 'Superbass' by Nicki Minaj? What's going to happen when I'm unable to solve a situation alone? Don't get me wrong, I'm surrounded by friends but Carrie's advice is always spot on...I've got used to her sorting my life out and I think it's crazy selfish that she's just leaving for America. 

I refuse to factor in that she's leaving her Mum, her dog, her friends and family, and her relatively new love interest/boyfriend/person that sounds so lovely, because that would mean opening my eyes to how important this move really is to Carrie. I much prefer looking at this through selfish eyes and saying she's leaving me, as an individual, so she can go and catch some rays on a sandy beach in California and escape the wrath of my rapping ability and her voicemail. 

Despite my rather self centered outlook on this move, I know it's going to be one of the most rewarding experiences for Carrie; she's not actually moving all those miles away to lay on a beach getting a tan, instead she's studying outreach work in California which involves pregnancy advice, drug rehab and writing testimonies on kids with behaviour issues. Although my view on this is completely selfish, Carrie's motives are the complete opposite. It's scary thinking she's going to be a thousands of miles away, changing the minds of other's and not just mine (although I'm sure many hands would go up if ever the question "how many of you have had your mind/heart/life changed by Carrie Lloyd?" was asked). 

I've got a lot to thank Carrie for: every single piece of advice she's ever given me, the text messages, the e-mails from that very first one to the many that I'm going to force her into sending me in the future, the writing she's introduced me too, the blog posts, the chocolate ├ęclair story that I'm never going to be able to forget, the music she's made me listen too, the selflessness that's opened my eyes and made me want to be a better person, the amount of love she has to give and the amount of laughter she provides, for eating all the pitta bread and saving my waistline, every single story and every single anecdote that I've been told, for never ever giving up on me even when I've been an absolute idiot, never judging me, for believing in me even when I don't even believe in myself, her attempts at forcing me to show emotion, for changing my outlook on a million and one things and for teaching me to be a lovelier person. 
There's so many more things I could write about but this America move is coming around far too much as I want her to stay, I fear a lengthy blog post listing every single thing I'm so appreciative of is not the way to make her miss her flight. 

So for now, Carrie, I just want to say this: thank you for turning my brain upside down, for everything you've ever done for me and the lessons you've taught me. "Go be a world changer with your words and I'll be the one buying the bubbles". Come back soon please, there's pitta bread and a bottle of red wine waiting at the Avalon with your name on it. 


Saturday, 8 September 2012

& luck runs out and hearts go cold, we're only young until we're old.

 One night last month, I went to see Jay James Picton play live with one of my favourite people, Carly Wilford. We met one of Carly's friends, Katy, who I've completely fallen in love with and this was the result. Katy's TINY hence why only her head is on show. Beaut of a night!
 Last month, one of my best friends dragged me to a boat party on the River Thames; we drunk beer like water and danced until our feet hurt.
 Another of my best friend's had a baby a week ago; I'm completely in love with her little face. Welcome to the world, Ebony Lilly Hyde.
 Tower Bridge the night of the boat party - my favourite place in London.
 On Tuesday night, my brother and his girlfriend decided to go on an adventure to the Krispy Kreme Factory which is about 35 minutes away from us. We ate warm doughnuts and listened to reggae music whilst sat in the car park. 
 My horoscope could not have been more apt this month! Crazy stuff.
 Our pouting competition on Wednesday night. My brother had just called me a mole and I completely ruined this photograph.
 I found my old Gameboy when I went back to Eastbourne and ended up spending the night playing it instead of being sociable. What a loser!
V Festival 2012, I remember nothing.

"And I can't help but wonder just where I'm meant to be"

It is SO easy to lose sight of what's kept you striving for your dreams when you feel as though you're halfway there; the only thing getting me through living in Eastbourne, besides my friends and excessive amounts of alcohol/illegal substances, was my writing. Knowing that just one day, I'd be living in London, writing my arse off for a super cool publication, attending amazing events. Well...I'm living in London and working my arse off at a typical 9 to 5, saving up (or attempting too) for driving lessons, Open University and a place of my own. I know I'll get there eventually, I'm just taking my time.

Despite being surrounded by a handful of completely amazing, inspirational people, it's always difficult to continue aspiring to something when you feel as though you're nearly there. It's the lazy trait in me that always justifies sleeping in until 1pm rearing it's head that tells me to slow down, to take my time. I'm only 19, I know I have forever to climb the aspiration ladder. Having this sort of attitude doesn't exactly push you into bettering yourself; I'm all about taking risks and making the most of opportunities; I normally only apply this this to my hair as opposed to my actual life - if I dye my hair and it goes wrong, I can laugh it off, whereas if I  apply for a job and get rejected, that's my pride and dignity messed with. I've never been a fan of that (except after a Jagermeister or two).

I'll be the first to admit that I've got lazy; I've lost motivation and a night out, spending stupid amounts of money on alcohol that's only going to make me sick 2 hours later, seems to appeal to me much more than a driving lesson.
I've always been known as ambitious - maybe it's because I'm incredibly stubborn and once I get an idea into my head, I refuse to let it drop. But teamed with tardiness, ambition hasn't exactly been my best friend. I've got used to the routine I've let myself become accustomed too and until 4 nights ago, I honestly thought this would be okay. Like I said, I'm halfway to where I want to be eventually, why am I rushing?

But, 3 nights ago, I had a conversation - or rather somebody spoke to me, I listened - that made me realise it isn't okay to accept things as they are. If we stop dreaming, aspiring to something, we may as well just settle down and give up. Accept that you're never going to better yourself and start counting the 100% attendance certificates from secondary school that you were awarded with because if you give up now, that's as good as it's going to get.

I'm not going to lie, when the conversation took place I was a little bit drunk (a tiny bit). I don't remember it word for word but what I do remember went something like this "don't give up on your dreams, don't let stupid chavvy boys get in your way and make sure you achieve something. You're headstrong, I know you're not stupid but just make sure you try to pursue the career you want." - the conversation came from somebody I met 5 months ago. I rarely listen to my parents because what 19 year old does? But hearing that sort of thing come from the mouth of somebody who hasn't known me that long has really opened my eyes to what's around me; everything there is for me to achieve and pursue, the relationships I've missed opportunities because of and the people I've wasted my time on.

I haven't been able to write in so long and I'll hold my hands up and admit that it's because I've either been too lazy or too drunk but that's about to change. I'm throwing myself head first into writing and pursuing it as a career and regardless of how long that takes me, at least I'll know it's not for my lack of trying.

"If you fail, well at least you know you tried."

Sunday, 12 August 2012

"Music CAN change the world because it can change people."

What I love about this generation is it's ability to embrace all kinds of music; okay so it might be because Topshop have mass produced John Lennon inspired glasses and H&M have filled their stock with Guns and Roses t-shirts but nevertheless, most people these days have heard of The Rolling Stones.
I was brought up on a diet of The Beatles, Fleetwood Mac, Queen, Pink Floyd and Elvis, so 'old' music runs through my veins; I'd much rather be stood with the silver foxes watching Bruce Springsteen then grinding on boys with tags around their ankles to 50 Cent.

Don't get me wrong, I love contemporary music as much as the next person; I have the biggest crush on Ed Sheeran and I wish Adele was my best friend. In fact, as 27 million people tuned in to watch the Olympic Opening Ceremony on Friday 27th July 2012, it goes without saying that I much preferred the Arctic Monkeys' cover of 'Come Together' than Paul McCartney's solo of 'Hey Jude' - although there's no denying Sir Paul has a good head of hair.

In a world where Justin Beiber is seen to be as talented as Elvis and Miley Cyrus is considered to be on the same wavelength as Stevie Nicks, it amazes me that sometimes, such strong music can be overlooked in favour of 'artists' such as Flo Rida and Misha B.

In terms of talent, it's obvious that over the last 5 years we've seen a ridiculous amount of talent feature in the charts...but there has also been an equal amount of absolute rubbish. As much as I love the catchy "What she order? Fish Fillet" lyric in 'Paris' - Jay Z feat. Kayne West, it's hardly as lyrical as "I woke up this morning and I got myself a beer, the future is uncertain and the end is always near" sung by The Doors, is it?
I understand that there are amazing artists out there who get overshadowed by the likes of Chris Brown and Wiley in the charts and I don't deny that. But I do believe that artists such as Jim Morrison and Elvis, legendary artists who changed the way music is made in this day and age, get severely overlooked in favour of 'musicians' who barely deserve to have that title placed upon their head.

For the past 5 years, I've shunned genres of music such as R'n'B, Hip-Hop, Mainstream/Chart, Urban, Drum & Bass and Grime purely because I found the ideals of bands such as The Beatles much more believable. I didn't want to listen to a song to have innuendos about oral sex thrust in my face (Candy Shop - 50 Cent) especially because I find the idea of 50 Cent receiving oral sex hard to believe. The man might be clever when it comes to business but he does nothing for my sex drive. However, songs such as Strawberry Fields Forever and Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds were what I chose to blast through my headphones. Although it's pretty obvious that drugs were involved during the writing of these songs, they contain a level of honesty and purity that I think certain genres of music lack right now.

Obviously there are some musicians who don't fall under this umbrella of mainstream beats, take Amy Winehouse for example, but the majority of songs that are in the current charts lack sincerity and genuineness that songs from other generations are covered in. I get that, usually ,this all depends on genre (the lyrics, beat and production are all going to be aimed at a target audience...not everyone is as picky as I am when it comes to music) but it's just a shame that pretty much every single song in the UK hit 40 sounds exactly the same as the one played before it.

We come from a time when you couldn't shut your eyes without seeing a musical legend; Michael Jackson, Madonna, Elvis, Jeff Buckley, Mick Jagger, Brian May, Freddie Mercury, John Lennon, George Harrison, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, Ozzy Osbourne, Jimi Hendrix, Joni Mitchell, Johnny Cash, Eric Clapton, Bob Marley, Chuck Berry, Tom Waits, B.B King, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jnr, David Bowie, Aretha Franklin, Tina Turner, Stevie Wonder, Bruce Springsteen and Bob Dylan. I've listed a fair few (I realise I've left loads out) but I'm trying to prove that in comparison to that list, who have we got from the past 10 years who is equally as talented? Sorry, Justin Beiber doesn't count...

Okay, so we have Amy Winehouse, Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Jay Z, Chris Martin and Eminem...there probably is more from the top of my head, I can't think of anyone else that'll go down as a legend within music. Justin Beiber has done nothing for the music industry in the past 5 years, not like Frank Sinatra did. Maybe we've just more willing to accept music because it's better than nothing or maybe our standards have dropped.

I just can't explain how disappointing it is to see trends on Twitter such as 'Justin Bieber for President' and 'Miley is better than Whitney' when in reality, Justin and Miley have done absolutely nothing for the music industry except give 12 year olds a really bad musical taste.
It'd be nice to meet a teenager who has actually heard of John Lennon through his music and not just because their favourite high street store stocks merchandise made famous by him...

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Are you happy now?

3 nights ago, I was sat in my friend's conservatory, drinking Strawberry and Lime Koppaberg out of a can with Kasabian providing the backing track, surrounded by some of my favourite people. 4 months ago, I would have had to travel for 2 hours, fork out £31 for travel and spend an hour packing a suitcase in order to experience a night like this. I never once took it for granted because it didn't happen often. I guess I've been considered a bit like an adopted member of my friend's family because for as long as I can remember, I've always been invited to these kind of nights. Usually, I seem to drink too much, say things I regret the next day and wake up only able to remember half the night (it's funny how I always seem to forget the part where I take off my clothes and run around the garden...) but I wouldn't change that for the world.

Yesterday night, one of my favourite people on this planet came to stay at mine; this involved a 2 hour tidy up (everybody refuses to tidy up because we believe we didn't make the things just stay messy until we get an excuse like somebody coming to visit to do everything), sausage sandwiches, lots of chocolate and hilarious conversation. We went to bed telling each other stuff about our past, talking about music and laughing. It was one of the most inspiring nights I've had recently, just being around somebody with the same like minded ambition and mindset...I'm telling you, it's a killer what ambition can do to you.

Tonight, I'm sat on my bed eating Terry's Chocolate Orange and drinking hot chocolate. I'm catching up with writing that I've been putting off for a while and after a super hot shower and a hair wash, I feel as though I'm ready to take on the world. But having sat here for a hour or so feeling sorry for myself because I had writer's block, my hair wasn't going right and my stomach just wouldn't stop rumbling, I've had a shot of inspiration straight to my brain because it got me thinking.

These nights listed above don't happen often. I usually finish work at stupid o'clock, rush home to eat, exercise, have a quick shower and sleep. I never really get an opportunity to let my hair down or revel in girl talk. I'm beyond grateful for being surrounded by super cool people, each of them making the nights I've mentioned really special (big shout out to Terry, whose Chocolate Orange is probably the best thing to happen to me) but at the same time, within that hour when I felt horribly down just because things weren't going my way, I discovered that MAYBE I do take things for granted.

For example, for the past 4 years I've wanted to move back to London. I moved back here 4 months ago and yet I've just found myself complaining about how lonely I am now I've moved 64 miles away from what has been my daily life for the past 8 years.
I have a brilliant job. Fair enough, it's not exactly what I want to be doing for the next couple of years, let alone for the rest of my life but for now, the money's alright and I've met some pretty cool people through it. But I've just sat here and contemplated calling in sick tomorrow purely because I'd rather spend all day in bed, watching daytime TV and eating chocolate...I won't call in sick but I can't tell you how tempting it is.

All of this crazy thinking made me realise that are we ever truly happy? We give ourselves what we want, or what we think we want yet we'll always manage to find obstacles to put in our way. We need something to moan about, something to complain about when somebody asks "are you okay?". Despite the serious lack of romance in my life and the fact that Victoria White, Jo Elvin or Caitlin Moran haven't e-mailed me begging me to become their writing sidekick, I have the majority of what I could possibly want, and need around me.

A roof over my head, food in my fridge (kind cheese slices and a yoghurt count?), a working shower, clean water and some form of entertainment to keep me occupied.

Why is this never enough though?

P.S I've attached my new favourite song because I think the lyrics are breathtaking. Listen, you'll love it.

Thursday, 5 July 2012

That I would be good whether with or without you

Since moving to London, I've learnt a lot. I've learnt the skills of a new job, I've learnt how self destructive my mind really is, I've learnt how to change that, I've learnt when to keep my mouth shut and when to speak up, I've learnt that exercise really is good for you, I've learnt that being vulnerable isn't necessarily a bad thing, I've learnt that I still have a long way to go, I've learnt how to manage my money (kind of), I've learnt to broaden my horizons when it comes to music, I've learnt that sometimes people just need to talk, I've learnt that I'm excellent at hiding things and keeping secrets, I've learnt that making coffee is a skill of which I've practically perfected, I've learnt how to eat at my desk without my manager seeing it, I've learnt how to deal with certain people and most importantly, I've learnt exactly who to waste my time with.

I'll be the first person to admit that at times, I can be stupidly naive. The minute somebody pays me the slightest bit of attention, I'm their's. I've always thought that everyone has the ability to be nice and thoughtful and caring and lovely. I've allowed myself to be sucked in by that thought; I'm now realising that this really isn't the case.

I've met 4 people here who have changed my world for the better, really and truly. They're another blog post entirely but they've opened my eyes properly to the world around me.

I'm learning, slowly, but surely about who really matters, who truly cares and who I can live without. It's a horrible process but one I'm learning from, constantly.
It's the people who text you at 7am in the morning just to say "have a good day", the people who know exactly what to do and what to say when you're feeling a bit down, the texts saying "you're doing great babe" when you need a little bit of reassurance, the random messages and phone calls reminding you that you're loved, albeit if it is by your Mum, the invitations, the people who arrange events just to give you something to look forward to, the people who brighten your day the moment their name flashes up on your phone, the ones who put you first, the ones who ask if you're okay, the people who will listen to you moaning and make you fajitas for no reason. These people matter.

I've been naive in the sense that the people I've thought, for so long, would be there for me when things got a little tough, are the ones who haven't. Yet I've still held a torch for them. I've made excuses and tried to come up with reasons as to why things have changed but there's no right or wrong; people change and the most you can do is accept it.

Accept it, appreciate those that do all the above and understand that sometimes, people come into your life for fleeting moments to teach you little lessons. Nothing is forever and it doesn't have to be. Friendship is sacred regardless of how long it lasts.

I'm getting there when it comes to learning this. I'll get there.

Sunday, 17 June 2012

11 things.

The funny thing about this post is that I started writing it with '10 Things I Hate About You' in mind; one of my best friend's just posted a similar blog and I woke up to a text saying "it helps xxx" so I thought I'd give it a shot of my own, considering I spent last night basically in tears because of the person this is about. But as I started writing it, '7 Things I Hate About You' - Miley Cyrus popped into my head and I was instantly reminded of another bullet point that goes against your favour. So I changed the title to 11 things because it makes more sense. These are the only 11 things I can think of and trust me, it was hard even thinking of these. I don't want to hate anybody - that's not my style - but know that these things just take me right back to square one where you're concerned. Let me hate you, just for these 11 things please, because it's all I've got: 

1. Your ability to make me question every single one of my morals.
2. The way you make me laugh all the time; I just want to be able to be angry with you for more than 5 seconds.
3. Your car.
4. How big of a part you have in my life, whether I like it or not. I can't change that.
5. The way you know what I'm going to say, waaaay before I've even said it.
6. How you know me better than I know myself sometimes.
7. The way you'd order the drinks I hate whenever we went out so I couldn't drink your drink as well as my own. Nice way of preventing me from getting too drunk there.
8. How most people fall in love with you the minute they meet you.
9. Your ability to make me the happiest I've ever been and also the saddest I've ever been as well, in the space of 10 minutes.
10. How much you still inspire me. 
11. The way, even now, you make me think of cheesy pop songs. 

Friday, 15 June 2012


Just before Christmas 2011, I started writing for a blog that goes by the name of IAmMusic. It combined unsigned artists, new and unseen videos, fresh talent and wicked competitions that allowed readers to win tickets for hot gigs and events. I've always been passionate about writing and that passion has always coincided with music so being able to combine both of them when it came to writing for the site was really a dream come true.

The creator of the site, Ms Carly Wilford, is as much of a dream as her website is; easily one of my favourite people, she's always hot on the freshest batch of talent and coolest events and she's bloody hilarious with it.
What with working a 37.5 hour week, desperately trying to have some form of social life and get my recommended hours of sleep, blogging can be such a hard task because sometimes, the words just don't come out right or my tiredness takes over and I find myself rambling about whatever/whoever it is I'm writing about. I'm SO lucky that Carly gets that because I'm able to write for the site whenever I can, there's no pressure whatsoever and the best thing about it is that I'm free (and so are the other bloggers) to publish any talented finds of our own.

It's pretty inspiring seeing how far Carly's got the site now; it's on the tip of people's tongues, the Twitter page has 8,000 followers and interviews include Tom Cruise, Russell Brand & Plan B. I know I'm bias when I say this but IAmMusic is going to be the hottest thing to hit your laptops/computers/eyes and I'm backing it all the way. I really do advise that you all go check it out, like the Facebook page, give us a follow on Twitter and get reading because it's gonna be HUGE.


Tuesday, 5 June 2012

I hate that I'm not your's, I hate that you're not mine.

I go back to work tomorrow after the most relaxed 4 day weekend. I'm sat here listening to Frank Hamilton and I can't get one person out of my mind. It's the most frustrating feeling in the world because they're the last person I want in my head.

I can't get their smile, their laugh, the way they drink awful alcoholic drinks, their tattoos, their piercings, their voice, their stupid car, the way they make me feel like the most special person in this Universe, the promises they made me and the history behind us out of my brain. I could sit here for days thinking about how much I miss them and how they have the ability to make me go from feeling happy to sad within 2 seconds. Nobody gets it because it's such a fucked up situation but I don't even really want anybody else to understand because what we have is our's. Nobody else's.

I can't get silly little memories out of my head. Like the time you told me you loved me for the first time. That was nice. How nervous I was the first time we saw each other at our most vulnerable, sober and how calm you made me feel. How content you made me feel...

I wish this was different. I've never missed somebody more than I do right now. Let's just forget everything for a little while, please. I'd give anything to lay in bed with you, watching Miranda, eating pizza and making each other laugh, just for a night.

Thursday, 31 May 2012

Smoke another cigarette but they don't taste the same...

...I know we had the map out, but 'lost' is my middle name.

The Doctor says I'll have to wait until the alcohol wears off.

It was 4am in the morning and I was sat in A&E, waiting to find out how my best friend was doing after slicing her arm to pieces. I'd been at the hospital along with her Mum and boyfriend since 1.30am and although we didn't know it at the time, we wouldn't be leaving the hospital until 11am the next morning. We'd spend 10 hours in hospital with nothing to do but talk to each other, panic about the previous unfoldings of the evening and work out where it all went wrong.

That day, we had gone to Camden for a day full of an alcohol filled lunch, lots of shopping and random intervals where the other's would have to drag me out of numerous tattoo parlours before I walked out with 'Ken' tattooed in a love heart on my thigh. It was typically my favourite kind of day. I love Camden, I love alcohol, I love shopping and I love that I know my best friend and her family will happily waste their time stopping me from doing something I'd later regret. Roll forward 7 hours later and that brilliant day out seemed like a distant memory.

Hospitals do strange things to people; when I was little, I remember my Dad working at one and on a Saturday morning, after dropping my Mum to work, he'd drive me into his department - where there was a teddy bear wearing a bandage stuck to the department's exterior wall -, make me a cup of tea and leave me with a word search in his office for 20 minutes while he checked that everything was running smoothly. Then as I got older, the hospital became a place I'd fear. Knowing I HAD no choice, if I wanted to get better, than to go there was petrifying at 15 and everything from the clinical white decoration to the way the reception staff were so friendly evoked some kind of emotion that made me want to run screaming from the hills. But then my Granddad died and visiting him hours before he passed away, I saw how hard the staff worked to keep him positive in his last moments and suddenly, this place I once feared became a place I respected. But while I was sat there for those 10 hours, waiting on news about my friend, the hospital just made me think.

It made me think about every decision I've ever made - it made me doubt them, justify them and agree with them all at once -, it made me think about every single person I consider a priority in my life and whether they feel the same (or am I merely an option to them?) and it made me think about what I want to do with my life and how I want to be viewed.
Do I really want to be known as the girl who has a one night stand with somebody she's just met because it'll be a funny story to tell after a glass of wine? Do I want to be known as the girl who can list every single side effect of cocaine because she's felt the effect of it one too many times? And, do I really want to be known as the girl who ran away from the problems she had in a small town, only to create more in an even bigger city?

The collective answer to those 3 questions is no. I don't want to make a decision based purely on the fact that the action will perhaps give a chuckle to a handful of people. I want my family to be proud of me and know that the decisions I make in the future are well thought out and detailed.I would really like to start a story without the first sentence being "so I was really drunk/out of my face..." and lastly, I'd really like to look back in 40 years time and truthfully say "D'ya know what? I HAVE had fun, I have no drunken regrets and I've lived a bloody good life. Plus, I can remember everything from aged 19 upwards because I wasn't so drunk I could barely remember my own name or so high that I chewed the skin from my wrist bones."
I really just want to look back on this crazy thing we call life and not want to cringe from embarrassment.

We all make mistakes - that's a fact. If you can find me one person who will hold their hands up and honestly say they've lived each day perfectly and haven't fucked up once, I'll salute you. In fact, I'll write you a cheque for £1000 (I haven't actually got this much in my bank account so please don't try to prove me right as I won't be able to pay you) and get your name tattooed on my forehead (again, please don't do this. I can't fulfil it. I quite like my forehead). I'll hold my hands up right now and admit that I've made my fair share of them but instead of being sat in that hospital, letting these bad decisions eat me up from the inside, I made probably the most sensible decision I've ever made to start afresh and THINK properly before I act upon something.

Don't get me wrong, I'll still be spontaneously dying my hair green and getting silly things tattooed on me because I'm bored one day but I'm hoping this means I'll be spending less time propped up at the bar, ordering large glasses of wine because I want to forget my previous actions. That night at the hospital, I saw who I want to be and how I want to be viewed. I also saw the type of person I don't want to become. The one thing that was a little bit shady is how to get to where I want to be.
But that's the exciting part; I'm learning every single step of the way and I'm figuring it all out in my head instead of trying to figure out what exactly did happen on that random night out.

Although that night in A&E wasn't very pleasant and I can safely say we all would rather have been at home, drinking tea and watching a random music programme, we all discovered something about ourselves.
Personally, I discovered I have heaps of courage and I should really be putting it to good use instead of bad. Stop being courageous when it comes to sexual experimentation and drugs and start being fearless in my career and ambitions. That's exactly what this is all about.

It's about using your powers for good, instead of evil and striving to be a better person. I've always said that this is my main goal in life - to be a better version of the person I am - but I'm actually going to start putting that into practise.

I guess I have a lot to thank that night in hospital for...(despite my friend probably feeling otherwise, I know that eventually she'll look back on this crazy night and realise everything that happened was for the best. Even if it may not seem like it now.)

Wednesday, 23 May 2012


Cold is the water, it freezes your already cold mind. Already cold, cold mind and death is at your doorstep and it will steal your innocence, but it will not steal your substance.
But you are not alone in this and you are not alone in this. As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand, hold your hand and you are the mother, the mother of your baby child, the one to whom you gave life.And you have your choices and these are what make man great, his ladder to the stars.
But you are not alone in this and you are not alone in this.As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand, hold your hand.
But I will tell the night and whisper, "lose your sight" but I can't move the mountains for you.

Monday, 30 April 2012

But I can't move the mountains for you.

If there's one thing I love more than John Lennon, it's a good ol' list; as long as there are bullet points involved, a list can be about anything and I'll take it on-board. If you want me to do something - write me a list. If you want to teach me something - write me a list. If you want me to listen - write me a list. I think lists are possibly the best communication form ever invented. No list has a limit and those bullet points are never-ending.
Between the ages of 14 and 17, I lived my entire life by a list. The technical term was a bucket list, and every single action I made would be because there would be something on this list that would benefit from that action. Losing weight? "Exercise for at least 60 minutes a day." Travel the world? "Save up at least £30 per month." Have a piece of my writing published? "Write everything down" (practise makes perfect, after all). When I reached 17, I realised I'd been living a pretty unhealthy lifestyle. I wasn't enjoying myself unless I was ticking things off this never-ending list. I discovered that there was a limit to this list, not in the obvious sense, but in a sense that I had to stop it taking over my life.
So I ripped it out of my journal, stuck it to my wall and vowed to attempt to live without it. I still wrote down my dreams and ambitions because it gave me something to look forward to or strive towards but it became less about ticking things off the list and more about gaining experience to add things to it.
My bucket list is now 3 pages long and when I'm drunk, I tend to try to get other people thinking about what would be on THEIR bucket list. It's a rather difficult task for somebody under the influence of vodka.

Why I'm writing this blog post though is to publish a list I haven't been keeping track of before. This list is a random, off the top of my head, spontaneous list; stating all of things I think I should know by now. I'm 19 and besides knowing that I want to write for a living, I have no idea what I want to do with my life - where I want to live, whether I want children, if I want to get married etc. So here's my "Things I Feel I Should Know But Don't Always Remember" list and I'm going to use it to catch myself whenever I feel I'm doing something I know I shouldn't be...which is quite often:

1) Who to trust with matters of my heart, soul and mind.
2) How to confront a friend without ruining a friendship
3) When to begin and when to stop.
4) Knowing when I've had too much to drink.
5) Knowing that when somebody offers me a rolled up £20 note and a line of cocaine, I should always say no.
6) How to get the perfect eyebrow shape to suit my face.
7) How to love, and appreciate, myself for my flaws.
8) Just because somebody pays the slightest bit of attention to me, it doesn't mean I have to sleep with them.
9) I can't change the shape of my body; I'm SUPPOSED to have curves.
10) The same does not apply for more than one chin. Put down the chocolate every so often.
11) Appreciate the people who accept me for ME. If somebody can love you for your flaws as well as your positives, they're 100% worth your time.
12) When somebody is in a relationship, don't think of it as a challenge. Accept it and move on.
13) One kiss has the power to change my life.
14) Never ever take people for granted; they could be gone in seconds.
15) Always appreciate other people's music taste. If somebody had told me 3 days ago that I'd be partying in underground tunnels, skanking to Skepta, I'd have laughed in their face. As it turns out, I had one of the best nights I've ever had...
16) There will be days when old habits will come back to haunt me. Don't dwell on them. Instead, think about how you're going to grow from them.
17) Boundaries are there for a reason.
18) How to spend time alone.
19) When to stop talking.
20) My life is not a storybook. Not everything should be written about.
21) Rules aren't always there to be broken.
22) My parents and brother will always support me.
23) Sometimes it's good to shake up the status quo. Break away from the norm and don't be afraid to fly.
24) Tattoos are permanent.
25) That my childhood and teenage years maybe not have been perfect but I'm entering adulthood and it's time to move on from the past.
26) People have the ability to fuck things up for the worst, but sometimes for the best.
27) Listen to others, the best lessons are those taught by other people.
28) Not everybody is going to like me.
29) Dreams are supposed to be big and frustrating.
30) Hair dye will ruin my hair.
31) Appreciate other people's flaws.
32) Money is not the be all and end all of things. If somebody loves you when you haven't got a penny to your name, they'll love you the same amount when you have pounds.
33) Never apologise for something that isn't my fault but know that 'sorry' can solve a lot, when used properly.
34) Have substance, morals and don't be afraid to have an opinion.
35) Try not to regret anything. Everything happens for a reason.

Thursday, 26 April 2012

Sensible heart.

I get so distracted by some peoples reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. 
At times, so self destructive with no intent or motive but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart. A sensible heart.
See, I'm no king...I wear no crown but desperate times seem over now but still I weaken somehow. It tears me apart.
I hope to learn as time goes by that I should trust what's deep inside burning bright, burning bright.
My sensible heart.

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Read another horoscope, but they all say the same.

How appropriate that the song my iPod's shuffle feature decides to present me with at the moment I need to talk to somebody the most, is the song that reminds me of the person I want to talk to the most. I don't know if I believe in 'signs' but if I did, I'd definitely say that this song is one.

I smell of BBQ sauce & other people's sweat, my feet hurt and I feel like I could enter a seriously committed relationship - something which normally has me running for the hills - with my bed and live happily ever after. But instead, I'm on a train heading back to The Sunshine Coast, where even the idea of sleep is ludacris thanks to 2 screaming children and a loud conductor insisting on barging in on my carriage every 2 seconds.

I have 2 dilemmas at the moment:
1) I have 2 Krispy Kreme donuts sat in front of me; I'm supposed to be saving them for somebody but after the day I've had, I think I deserve to eat them.
2) I've just had a job interview that I really wanted to do well in. I researched the company, travelled to London and wore really uncomfortable shoes for 8 hours - all for the interview.
After the first 15 minutes of the induction, I realised that the job isn't actually what I want but it is in London...and that's probably the only positive...

My head and heart are currently in serious conflict; my head is telling me to take the job because after all it'll get me out of Eastbourne.
Then I have my heart screaming at me, telling me to carry on surviving £150 a month, sending my CV to every company possible and spending my hours dreaming of an East London lifestyle because something will come along eventually that'll make all those hours of dreaming and money watching worthwhile.

Both dilemmas seem equally as pressing. If I eat the donuts, will I have failed in the eyes of the person I was supposed to be saving them for? Will they even still like me if I demolish their donuts? Are my hips going to love me afterwards? Will they taste better, or worse, tinged with guilt?

If I say yes to the job, will me heart be disappointed with me? Will my head let me down in the end? After alcohol intake, drug taking, hair dye fumes and heavy metal gigs - does my head even still like me? But then if I follow my heart, will my head be angry? Will I regret it? I mean I've put my heart in many compromising situations - it's probably had enough of me. It's probably trying to get rid of me.

For once in my life, I'd like to be told what to do. I'd like that person who I'm reminded of by my iPod playing cheesy songs to send me a text/FB message/e-mail/sign, just telling me what to do. I'd believe in signs if they told me what to do about these Krispy Kremes...

You hear songs, watch movies and read books in which the main character drops everything and runs awa to another city, bright eyed, normally in love and full of hope for the future.
But as one of my best friends frequently tells me "Vick, your life is not a book" and as much as I'd like to think that I'm that main character, I know nothing is ever as easy as it is in a song/book/movie.

(I actually ate both donuts. The person doesn't hate me. I didn't take the job but another one came up that I really wanted a week later and I've been living in London for 2 weeks now. I followed my heart and things seemed to have worked out pretty well...for now.)

Thursday, 12 April 2012

Tell me please is this worth it.

Ask any one of my friends what my personality is like and I guarantee you that the majority of them will tell you I'm a free spirit. Not one to be tied down, always on the look out for something new, constantly needing a change of scenery. I don't do well when I'm feeling suffocated. I put myself in situations that I can escape from easily and the moment I feel myself being pulled under, I'll run. Some call it unreliable, I call it adventurous. Spontaneity makes me extremely happy and I think plans that have been organised 15 minutes before being put into action make the best memories.
That being said, I'm probably one of the cowardly people I know. Underneath that whole 'free spirit' front, I spend about 2 days deciding what to have for dinner, I make a pro/con list before I make big decisions and I plan on getting 'courage' tattooed on my wrist to remind me to always be brave.

I think it's necessary to point out that I'm a huge fan of shaking things up; I just don't like the outcomes. If we could make big decisions without having to deal with the consequences, I'd be much happier. I'm not sensible, but I'm not exactly 'wild'. I might decide and actually dye my hair green within the space of 2 hours, but it takes me weeks to decide what my next blog post is going to focus around. Writing that has made me realise that maybe I just have my priorities confused...

A week ago, when I announced I was moving to London, I think it's safe to say that my family and friends were shocked. Although I've been saying I want to move out of Eastbourne for the past 4 years, nobody actually thought I had the balls to pack up and leave. Yet that's exactly what I've done.
Ok, I'm living with my brother and his girlfriend and I still phone my Mum daily. I get help with my washing and if I don't have enough money for lunch, my brother will lend it to me. I have a free gym membership (that I'll be making use of extremely soon) and my only real bill is a phone bill. Some would say that I had a pretty easy decision: stay in Eastbourne and rot or move to London and flourish.
But in Eastbourne I had my parents, I had a secure friendship group, friends who would drop everything for me, dinner on the table at half 6, I knew the bus timetable of by heart, I had relationships and casual sex arrangements (totally necessary if you want to remain sane while living in a small town), my doctor's surgery was 4 minutes from my door and I didn't have to do anything apart from keep my bedroom tidy (obviously I helped out a bit more though). Pretty easy.

Moving to London has been the scariest thing I've ever done. Fuck getting tattooed, or dying my hair orange; those type of things have nothing on moving 64 miles away from your home and parents. I know I'm nearly 19 but I know about 5 people in London and most of those have a 9 to 5 like me. The chances of us catching up are quite low.
Regardless of all the luxuries I have around me, I still get lonely. That free spirit personality is kind of capped when you have nobody to be 'free' with.

Although this may seem like a huge moan, I'm finding London fun. I enjoy work (for the moment), I've made a few friends, I've actually got the next 4 days planned AND I'm out of the house, I'm losing weight, I've got independence, I live in a really pretty road, I have a train station 2 minutes away from my house, I get to wear smart clothes to work and I like the way I look in a blazer, I'm having to try to make friends; I haven't had to do that in ages and I'm starting to appreciate my Mum a hell of a lot more than I did when I was living at home.
I may have made the decision to take the job and move here in less than 20 minutes, but it's easily one of the best 'free spirited' things I've ever done. And after the green hair dye decision, I'm sure my hair will also agree...