Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Are you happy now?

3 nights ago, I was sat in my friend's conservatory, drinking Strawberry and Lime Koppaberg out of a can with Kasabian providing the backing track, surrounded by some of my favourite people. 4 months ago, I would have had to travel for 2 hours, fork out £31 for travel and spend an hour packing a suitcase in order to experience a night like this. I never once took it for granted because it didn't happen often. I guess I've been considered a bit like an adopted member of my friend's family because for as long as I can remember, I've always been invited to these kind of nights. Usually, I seem to drink too much, say things I regret the next day and wake up only able to remember half the night (it's funny how I always seem to forget the part where I take off my clothes and run around the garden...) but I wouldn't change that for the world.

Yesterday night, one of my favourite people on this planet came to stay at mine; this involved a 2 hour tidy up (everybody refuses to tidy up because we believe we didn't make the things just stay messy until we get an excuse like somebody coming to visit to do everything), sausage sandwiches, lots of chocolate and hilarious conversation. We went to bed telling each other stuff about our past, talking about music and laughing. It was one of the most inspiring nights I've had recently, just being around somebody with the same like minded ambition and mindset...I'm telling you, it's a killer what ambition can do to you.

Tonight, I'm sat on my bed eating Terry's Chocolate Orange and drinking hot chocolate. I'm catching up with writing that I've been putting off for a while and after a super hot shower and a hair wash, I feel as though I'm ready to take on the world. But having sat here for a hour or so feeling sorry for myself because I had writer's block, my hair wasn't going right and my stomach just wouldn't stop rumbling, I've had a shot of inspiration straight to my brain because it got me thinking.

These nights listed above don't happen often. I usually finish work at stupid o'clock, rush home to eat, exercise, have a quick shower and sleep. I never really get an opportunity to let my hair down or revel in girl talk. I'm beyond grateful for being surrounded by super cool people, each of them making the nights I've mentioned really special (big shout out to Terry, whose Chocolate Orange is probably the best thing to happen to me) but at the same time, within that hour when I felt horribly down just because things weren't going my way, I discovered that MAYBE I do take things for granted.

For example, for the past 4 years I've wanted to move back to London. I moved back here 4 months ago and yet I've just found myself complaining about how lonely I am now I've moved 64 miles away from what has been my daily life for the past 8 years.
I have a brilliant job. Fair enough, it's not exactly what I want to be doing for the next couple of years, let alone for the rest of my life but for now, the money's alright and I've met some pretty cool people through it. But I've just sat here and contemplated calling in sick tomorrow purely because I'd rather spend all day in bed, watching daytime TV and eating chocolate...I won't call in sick but I can't tell you how tempting it is.

All of this crazy thinking made me realise that are we ever truly happy? We give ourselves what we want, or what we think we want yet we'll always manage to find obstacles to put in our way. We need something to moan about, something to complain about when somebody asks "are you okay?". Despite the serious lack of romance in my life and the fact that Victoria White, Jo Elvin or Caitlin Moran haven't e-mailed me begging me to become their writing sidekick, I have the majority of what I could possibly want, and need around me.

A roof over my head, food in my fridge (kind cheese slices and a yoghurt count?), a working shower, clean water and some form of entertainment to keep me occupied.

Why is this never enough though?

P.S I've attached my new favourite song because I think the lyrics are breathtaking. Listen, you'll love it.

Thursday, 5 July 2012

That I would be good whether with or without you

Since moving to London, I've learnt a lot. I've learnt the skills of a new job, I've learnt how self destructive my mind really is, I've learnt how to change that, I've learnt when to keep my mouth shut and when to speak up, I've learnt that exercise really is good for you, I've learnt that being vulnerable isn't necessarily a bad thing, I've learnt that I still have a long way to go, I've learnt how to manage my money (kind of), I've learnt to broaden my horizons when it comes to music, I've learnt that sometimes people just need to talk, I've learnt that I'm excellent at hiding things and keeping secrets, I've learnt that making coffee is a skill of which I've practically perfected, I've learnt how to eat at my desk without my manager seeing it, I've learnt how to deal with certain people and most importantly, I've learnt exactly who to waste my time with.

I'll be the first person to admit that at times, I can be stupidly naive. The minute somebody pays me the slightest bit of attention, I'm their's. I've always thought that everyone has the ability to be nice and thoughtful and caring and lovely. I've allowed myself to be sucked in by that thought; I'm now realising that this really isn't the case.

I've met 4 people here who have changed my world for the better, really and truly. They're another blog post entirely but they've opened my eyes properly to the world around me.

I'm learning, slowly, but surely about who really matters, who truly cares and who I can live without. It's a horrible process but one I'm learning from, constantly.
It's the people who text you at 7am in the morning just to say "have a good day", the people who know exactly what to do and what to say when you're feeling a bit down, the texts saying "you're doing great babe" when you need a little bit of reassurance, the random messages and phone calls reminding you that you're loved, albeit if it is by your Mum, the invitations, the people who arrange events just to give you something to look forward to, the people who brighten your day the moment their name flashes up on your phone, the ones who put you first, the ones who ask if you're okay, the people who will listen to you moaning and make you fajitas for no reason. These people matter.

I've been naive in the sense that the people I've thought, for so long, would be there for me when things got a little tough, are the ones who haven't. Yet I've still held a torch for them. I've made excuses and tried to come up with reasons as to why things have changed but there's no right or wrong; people change and the most you can do is accept it.

Accept it, appreciate those that do all the above and understand that sometimes, people come into your life for fleeting moments to teach you little lessons. Nothing is forever and it doesn't have to be. Friendship is sacred regardless of how long it lasts.

I'm getting there when it comes to learning this. I'll get there.