Monday, 26 May 2014
If a Bank Holiday means the same to you as it does to me, I'm going to assume everybody reading this is still having to wear sunglasses to open the fridge. A fridge that was full to the brim with alcohol on Friday afternoon and come Monday morning, houses one lonely lettuce, mayonnaise and something suspicious that was made at 6:30am on Saturday morning.
Bank Holidays were made for fun. They were not made for spending 36 hours in bed and consuming three bottles of full fat Coke. But, you know what? We can't change that. It's happened.
The weight you've gained from doing nothing all weekend will haunt you for the next two weeks and the stupid things you text to your entire phonebook on Friday night will get you some funny looks at work for a really long time...it's okay though, 'cause I've come up with a list of 13 things that will make your Bank Holiday antics so much easier to deal with:
1) Watch your favourite band perform live (via YouTube).
Seriously, stick on festival highlights from 2010 and reminisce on a time when alcohol didn't leave you broken. Instead, it aided the best weekend of your life; watching Arctic Monkeys perform to a field full of randoms, each person holding a pint of Strongbow and grimacing every time somebody hit their sunburn.
2) Turn your phone off.
Okay, I know this is going to be a hard one but during the messy alcohol haze, you sent selfies to your Manager, your best friends and somebody you slept with when you first moved to London. You text at least four people telling them you love them (but not in a 'lez' way) and you Instagram'ed two pictures with a woman with gold teeth.
Cut yourself some slack and give yourself a break. Delete every single awkward message, remove all evidence that alcohol had taken hold of your body from social media and SWITCH YOUR PHONE OFF. You do not need to see what people are going to be replying to you, especially not in this state.
3. Surround yourself with people in the same state.
Luckily for me, my housemates were all feeling exactly the same as me and I have never been more grateful. Sit in the garden, share a hair of the dog and laugh about avoiding your next door neighbour. Talk rubbish and make pacts to never have a party at your house again.
4. Failing that, surround yourself with people who make you feel good.
You do not need to be reminded of the state you were in the night before. Before following point two, call somebody who makes you feel like you can walk on water, even when you can barely walk. Get them to sing down the phone to you, ask them to list a few reasons as to why they love you. You'll feel so much more motivated, despite the quantity of rum you drank the night before.
Oh God...eating. This dangerous subject. If you're anything like me, food is the last thing you need. But I'm learning that, seriously, it will make you feel so much better.
Raid the freezer for whatever frozen food your housemates have stocked up on, throw some potato waffles into the oven and be prepared to be fixed.
6. DO NOT phone your parents.
Your parents might seem like the most sensible point of call - who else to make you feel better than your Mum? But phoning them is not a good idea. They do not need to know that you're suffering from the world's worst hangover, that you house turned into Ministry of Sound for the night and you're worried you kissed somebody you shouldn't have...
Waking up with a mouth as dry as Gandhi's flip-flop is probably the worst way to start a hangover. Regardless of how drunk you are, make sure you put a glass of water next to your bed before you go to sleep. If you don't remember, ask your housemates too.
Drink every possible non-alcoholic/harmful liquid you can find. You will thank your lucky stars for the coconut water in the fridge the next morning.
Oh good Lord, if I had known how good a hair wash on a hangover would feel when I first started drinking, I swear I would never have got out of the shower. There is nothing like washing away the dirt from the night before and smelling as fresh as a daisy...even if you don't look like one.
9. Cuddle a baby.
Any baby will do, it doesn't matter. Luckily, my housemate has a baby boy so cuddles are on tap in my house. Make sure you're sitting down and that your teeth have been cleaned - nobody needs the smell of stale booze and cigarettes on their face, especially when they can't tell you it's horrible.
10. Take your make-up off.
If you failed to do so the night before, grab a wet wipe and scrub your face until it's red raw. Remove every inch of make-up you threw onto your face when you were sober and wash your face properly. Spots, and dry skin, will not make you feel any better about yourself.
11. Avoid dairy.
Dairy on a hangover is not the one. Regardless of how badly you're craving that tub of Ben & Jerry's you have stashed in the freezer, ice-cream will only curdle with the other substances you have in your body.
12. Tea, cheesy films and bed.
So if you really want to have dairy, make sure it's in tea. I never fully understood why adults drink so much of the stuff, but as I've worked out, it's a fucking excellent hangover cure.
A cup of strong tea with two sugars and a splash of milk will do more for your body than whoever you dry humped the night before.
Made plans for the rest of the Bank Holiday? Cancel them. Seriously, cancel them all.
Retreat to your bed (after you've washed, eaten and had other people make you laugh, obviously) and don't get out until you feel capable of fixing the world's problems.
You may have ruined your life the night before, but eight hours of shut eye will fix it.
Happy hangover guys, x