Tuesday, 23 October 2012

"Live, travel, adventure, bless, and don't be sorry."

As I've said before (here: I LOVE LISTS.), I'm a huge fan of lists. I'm a fan of making them, following them and ripping them up when everything has been ticked off. It's the sense of accomplishment and self-fulfilment that comes with the writing of a list that gets me; knowing you're starting something you can potentially finish, setting yourself a challenge and not stopping until the 'to-dos' are surrounded by ticks...

A list I never thought I'd see myself ever being fond of is the list of regrets that, by the time I'm 80, will be the length of a football pitch. Don't get me wrong, I've never specifically set out to create a list of every single moment that makes me cringe but it just so happens that I find writing those moments down and learning from them actually helps me alter my actions. I know not to repeat the same mistake twice because it's on the list. It's just this list doesn't have ticks next to the separate lines. It's written in bold, with red ink underlining the most important, the ones I think drastic action needs to be taken against.

Before I get caught up in purging a couple of these regrets (if you don't read this and instantly feel like a better human being, there is something wrong with you), let me just say that I've never been one to believe in regrets. I see every single action as life experience. Something to write about. So many a list of regrets is the wrong phrase because I most certainly don't regret ever doing them, I just want to learn my lesson from what unfolded after I put my foot in it. I have stupid tattoos and I've killed my hair by dying it too much but I'd never regret any of this because at the time, it WAS exactly what I wanted. So please don't read this in a negative way. Everything on this list has made me the person I am today. Now, that may not be a good thing, depending on your view of me, but I'm still learning and part of that process involves what's written down on this list and how I digest it. It's all important;-

1) Never trust a girl with no girlfriends and never trust a boy with no boyfriends; they're not afraid to hurt you or fuck you around and their social skills need to be seriously investigated. What is life without friends to talk about wanking or period pains with?

2) Despite the offer of illegal substances, when you get invited to be a part of a threesome involving a gay guy and a lesbian girl, say no.

3) There's a reason why there's a sign saying "DO NOT CLIMB" next to the 10 foot red reindeer. Open your eyes and read it otherwise you'll end up with a cut up back and a bruise on your bum that will haunt you for weeks.

4) Never buy white Converse (self explanatory).

5) Understand timing. Bad timing can be the root of all evil and you'll be the only person to understand how serious this can be.

6) Be a good friend. It sounds so simple but when your friend texts you with a sad face at 3am and you're drunk and kissing a really hot guy...put him down for a second and call your friend back. That call could change everything...that guy probably can't.

7) Stop beating yourself up for writing something that isn't that great; you can't expect yourself to write exceptional pieces every single time you write. You're only human.

8) Don't necessarily take every single piece of their advice but listen when your parents talk. They have the best stories and know you better than you know yourself.

9) It may feel like on a Friday and Saturday night, wine is your best friend, but in the morning, you'll feel otherwise. Don't be fooled by your tired eyes and the stress the week has caused you.

10) Quit wasting days in bed.

11) Sometimes you have to waste days in bed; when you're laying next to somebody you really care about, discussing love, life and everything under the sun, sometimes the most perfect place is exactly where you are. Don't assume these moments have to be huge spontaneous adventures...things CAN change from your double bed.

12) When somebody taunts you for gaining a tiny bit of weight, or comments on how short your skirt is, just remember the journey you overcame to finally wear clothes that show your flesh or eat food that makes your stomach swell and your smile stretch.

13) Never underestimate your ability to push yourself. In the darkest moments, you'll surprise yourself at how much strength you have hidden away.

14) Be aware of what you throw to other people - especially those that don't deserve it. When you can no longer attack yourself, you'll attack the ones closest to you, those who genuinely care. Don't.

15) Don't be afraid to apologise. If you're in the wrong, accept it. Nobody likes a stubborn person, especially one who refuses to admit we all fuck up sometimes.

16) Don't be afraid to argue with your Doctor. If you don't feel right, get it checked, get it assessed, get it sorted. Even if they advise you you're perfectly healthy, only you know your body inside out.

17) Say thank you.

18) Never shun those who bore you. Even they have a story to tell.

19) Embrace every single musical genre you can get your ears on. Don't be afraid to do the dutty wine, the two step or the head bang. Get involved. Music can change the world...

20) Appreciate what you have, when you have it. Never take anything for granted and stop assuming you deserve everything you're given. Work hard and you'll reap the benefits. Don't bitch about something that only you have the ability to change.

Sunday, 21 October 2012

Maybe in our wildest moments, we could be the greatest.

"Sitting in the station, contemplating looks on people's faces wondering why they are smiling or what troubles they are facing. I don't know why I'm thinking it but I just take the time to sit and wonder what their dream is and how they're trying to chase it when an old lady comes and sits next to me. She says "next birthday I'll be 83. I fell in love with the world when I was 24, I've lived in Mexico, Columbia and Ecuador. Sat next to the Taj Mahal while the sun was rising, spent a year in Australia chasing the horizons. So take your guitar and do what you have to do. I know what you're scared of, I used to feel it too, you're not scared of climbing mountains, you're scared that you can't make them move." - Lucy Spraggan

I'm petrified of waking up one morning and having absolutely no passion, of not knowing how to write or how to express myself through words, I'm scared that I'm not good enough to turn this into a career and I hate that it's the only thing that evokes jealousy within me - not even jealousy, just a horrible feeling of "why should you be reaping the benefits when I've wanted this ever since I was a little girl?". It has the ability to turn me crazy and horrible and bitter. It's the strongest relationship I've ever had, better than any drug I've tried complete with a horrendous comedown that lasts for days after. 

I haven't been writing much lately because once I start, I can't stop and I become engulfed by emotions that make it impossible for me to deal with the real world for a little while. It all sounds very dramatic but it's the truth. The best explanation is comparing it to dabbling with drugs - the danger, the high, the low, the feeling you get as you feel it take over your body...it's the best feeling and the worst feeling all mixed up in one. 

The last couple of weeks have been the craziest I've ever had; it's been non-stop. House hunting, working all the time, partying, different events, gigs, too much alcohol and some serious laughs. When everything is so lovely, I don't feel the need to drag myself into the mentality I seem to acquire when I write. It's intense and lovely and dangerous and it consumes me. It's the emotion I will always struggle with, because it is so difficult to understand. 

I'm going to spend the next couple of weeks trying to understand it, trying to get my head around why a simple task such as writing a review on my new favourite band, can turn me into the most difficult person to be around. I need to move my own mountains.