Monday, 30 April 2012

But I can't move the mountains for you.

If there's one thing I love more than John Lennon, it's a good ol' list; as long as there are bullet points involved, a list can be about anything and I'll take it on-board. If you want me to do something - write me a list. If you want to teach me something - write me a list. If you want me to listen - write me a list. I think lists are possibly the best communication form ever invented. No list has a limit and those bullet points are never-ending.
Between the ages of 14 and 17, I lived my entire life by a list. The technical term was a bucket list, and every single action I made would be because there would be something on this list that would benefit from that action. Losing weight? "Exercise for at least 60 minutes a day." Travel the world? "Save up at least £30 per month." Have a piece of my writing published? "Write everything down" (practise makes perfect, after all). When I reached 17, I realised I'd been living a pretty unhealthy lifestyle. I wasn't enjoying myself unless I was ticking things off this never-ending list. I discovered that there was a limit to this list, not in the obvious sense, but in a sense that I had to stop it taking over my life.
So I ripped it out of my journal, stuck it to my wall and vowed to attempt to live without it. I still wrote down my dreams and ambitions because it gave me something to look forward to or strive towards but it became less about ticking things off the list and more about gaining experience to add things to it.
My bucket list is now 3 pages long and when I'm drunk, I tend to try to get other people thinking about what would be on THEIR bucket list. It's a rather difficult task for somebody under the influence of vodka.

Why I'm writing this blog post though is to publish a list I haven't been keeping track of before. This list is a random, off the top of my head, spontaneous list; stating all of things I think I should know by now. I'm 19 and besides knowing that I want to write for a living, I have no idea what I want to do with my life - where I want to live, whether I want children, if I want to get married etc. So here's my "Things I Feel I Should Know But Don't Always Remember" list and I'm going to use it to catch myself whenever I feel I'm doing something I know I shouldn't be...which is quite often:

1) Who to trust with matters of my heart, soul and mind.
2) How to confront a friend without ruining a friendship
3) When to begin and when to stop.
4) Knowing when I've had too much to drink.
5) Knowing that when somebody offers me a rolled up £20 note and a line of cocaine, I should always say no.
6) How to get the perfect eyebrow shape to suit my face.
7) How to love, and appreciate, myself for my flaws.
8) Just because somebody pays the slightest bit of attention to me, it doesn't mean I have to sleep with them.
9) I can't change the shape of my body; I'm SUPPOSED to have curves.
10) The same does not apply for more than one chin. Put down the chocolate every so often.
11) Appreciate the people who accept me for ME. If somebody can love you for your flaws as well as your positives, they're 100% worth your time.
12) When somebody is in a relationship, don't think of it as a challenge. Accept it and move on.
13) One kiss has the power to change my life.
14) Never ever take people for granted; they could be gone in seconds.
15) Always appreciate other people's music taste. If somebody had told me 3 days ago that I'd be partying in underground tunnels, skanking to Skepta, I'd have laughed in their face. As it turns out, I had one of the best nights I've ever had...
16) There will be days when old habits will come back to haunt me. Don't dwell on them. Instead, think about how you're going to grow from them.
17) Boundaries are there for a reason.
18) How to spend time alone.
19) When to stop talking.
20) My life is not a storybook. Not everything should be written about.
21) Rules aren't always there to be broken.
22) My parents and brother will always support me.
23) Sometimes it's good to shake up the status quo. Break away from the norm and don't be afraid to fly.
24) Tattoos are permanent.
25) That my childhood and teenage years maybe not have been perfect but I'm entering adulthood and it's time to move on from the past.
26) People have the ability to fuck things up for the worst, but sometimes for the best.
27) Listen to others, the best lessons are those taught by other people.
28) Not everybody is going to like me.
29) Dreams are supposed to be big and frustrating.
30) Hair dye will ruin my hair.
31) Appreciate other people's flaws.
32) Money is not the be all and end all of things. If somebody loves you when you haven't got a penny to your name, they'll love you the same amount when you have pounds.
33) Never apologise for something that isn't my fault but know that 'sorry' can solve a lot, when used properly.
34) Have substance, morals and don't be afraid to have an opinion.
35) Try not to regret anything. Everything happens for a reason.

Thursday, 26 April 2012

Sensible heart.

I get so distracted by some peoples reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. 
At times, so self destructive with no intent or motive but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart. A sensible heart.
See, I'm no king...I wear no crown but desperate times seem over now but still I weaken somehow. It tears me apart.
I hope to learn as time goes by that I should trust what's deep inside burning bright, burning bright.
My sensible heart.

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Read another horoscope, but they all say the same.

How appropriate that the song my iPod's shuffle feature decides to present me with at the moment I need to talk to somebody the most, is the song that reminds me of the person I want to talk to the most. I don't know if I believe in 'signs' but if I did, I'd definitely say that this song is one.

I smell of BBQ sauce & other people's sweat, my feet hurt and I feel like I could enter a seriously committed relationship - something which normally has me running for the hills - with my bed and live happily ever after. But instead, I'm on a train heading back to The Sunshine Coast, where even the idea of sleep is ludacris thanks to 2 screaming children and a loud conductor insisting on barging in on my carriage every 2 seconds.

I have 2 dilemmas at the moment:
1) I have 2 Krispy Kreme donuts sat in front of me; I'm supposed to be saving them for somebody but after the day I've had, I think I deserve to eat them.
2) I've just had a job interview that I really wanted to do well in. I researched the company, travelled to London and wore really uncomfortable shoes for 8 hours - all for the interview.
After the first 15 minutes of the induction, I realised that the job isn't actually what I want but it is in London...and that's probably the only positive...

My head and heart are currently in serious conflict; my head is telling me to take the job because after all it'll get me out of Eastbourne.
Then I have my heart screaming at me, telling me to carry on surviving £150 a month, sending my CV to every company possible and spending my hours dreaming of an East London lifestyle because something will come along eventually that'll make all those hours of dreaming and money watching worthwhile.

Both dilemmas seem equally as pressing. If I eat the donuts, will I have failed in the eyes of the person I was supposed to be saving them for? Will they even still like me if I demolish their donuts? Are my hips going to love me afterwards? Will they taste better, or worse, tinged with guilt?

If I say yes to the job, will me heart be disappointed with me? Will my head let me down in the end? After alcohol intake, drug taking, hair dye fumes and heavy metal gigs - does my head even still like me? But then if I follow my heart, will my head be angry? Will I regret it? I mean I've put my heart in many compromising situations - it's probably had enough of me. It's probably trying to get rid of me.

For once in my life, I'd like to be told what to do. I'd like that person who I'm reminded of by my iPod playing cheesy songs to send me a text/FB message/e-mail/sign, just telling me what to do. I'd believe in signs if they told me what to do about these Krispy Kremes...

You hear songs, watch movies and read books in which the main character drops everything and runs awa to another city, bright eyed, normally in love and full of hope for the future.
But as one of my best friends frequently tells me "Vick, your life is not a book" and as much as I'd like to think that I'm that main character, I know nothing is ever as easy as it is in a song/book/movie.

(I actually ate both donuts. The person doesn't hate me. I didn't take the job but another one came up that I really wanted a week later and I've been living in London for 2 weeks now. I followed my heart and things seemed to have worked out pretty well...for now.)

Thursday, 12 April 2012

Tell me please is this worth it.

Ask any one of my friends what my personality is like and I guarantee you that the majority of them will tell you I'm a free spirit. Not one to be tied down, always on the look out for something new, constantly needing a change of scenery. I don't do well when I'm feeling suffocated. I put myself in situations that I can escape from easily and the moment I feel myself being pulled under, I'll run. Some call it unreliable, I call it adventurous. Spontaneity makes me extremely happy and I think plans that have been organised 15 minutes before being put into action make the best memories.
That being said, I'm probably one of the cowardly people I know. Underneath that whole 'free spirit' front, I spend about 2 days deciding what to have for dinner, I make a pro/con list before I make big decisions and I plan on getting 'courage' tattooed on my wrist to remind me to always be brave.

I think it's necessary to point out that I'm a huge fan of shaking things up; I just don't like the outcomes. If we could make big decisions without having to deal with the consequences, I'd be much happier. I'm not sensible, but I'm not exactly 'wild'. I might decide and actually dye my hair green within the space of 2 hours, but it takes me weeks to decide what my next blog post is going to focus around. Writing that has made me realise that maybe I just have my priorities confused...

A week ago, when I announced I was moving to London, I think it's safe to say that my family and friends were shocked. Although I've been saying I want to move out of Eastbourne for the past 4 years, nobody actually thought I had the balls to pack up and leave. Yet that's exactly what I've done.
Ok, I'm living with my brother and his girlfriend and I still phone my Mum daily. I get help with my washing and if I don't have enough money for lunch, my brother will lend it to me. I have a free gym membership (that I'll be making use of extremely soon) and my only real bill is a phone bill. Some would say that I had a pretty easy decision: stay in Eastbourne and rot or move to London and flourish.
But in Eastbourne I had my parents, I had a secure friendship group, friends who would drop everything for me, dinner on the table at half 6, I knew the bus timetable of by heart, I had relationships and casual sex arrangements (totally necessary if you want to remain sane while living in a small town), my doctor's surgery was 4 minutes from my door and I didn't have to do anything apart from keep my bedroom tidy (obviously I helped out a bit more though). Pretty easy.

Moving to London has been the scariest thing I've ever done. Fuck getting tattooed, or dying my hair orange; those type of things have nothing on moving 64 miles away from your home and parents. I know I'm nearly 19 but I know about 5 people in London and most of those have a 9 to 5 like me. The chances of us catching up are quite low.
Regardless of all the luxuries I have around me, I still get lonely. That free spirit personality is kind of capped when you have nobody to be 'free' with.

Although this may seem like a huge moan, I'm finding London fun. I enjoy work (for the moment), I've made a few friends, I've actually got the next 4 days planned AND I'm out of the house, I'm losing weight, I've got independence, I live in a really pretty road, I have a train station 2 minutes away from my house, I get to wear smart clothes to work and I like the way I look in a blazer, I'm having to try to make friends; I haven't had to do that in ages and I'm starting to appreciate my Mum a hell of a lot more than I did when I was living at home.
I may have made the decision to take the job and move here in less than 20 minutes, but it's easily one of the best 'free spirited' things I've ever done. And after the green hair dye decision, I'm sure my hair will also agree...

Monday, 9 April 2012

"Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans"

As my soul-mate John Lennon once said "life is what happens while you're busy making other plans". The craziest things happen when we least expect them and that's what usually makes them so exciting; you're not prepared, you're unorganised and you have other things on your mind. It would be understatement to say that I was unprepared for what I'm about to write about. I was so far from organised that it actually hurts to think about how much I've had to do in the past 3 days.
If you want my advice, it's just a lot easier to stay where you are. Fuck moving out, screw moving to the big city, just stay put. Nothing can prepare you for the amount of dust, hidden objects you should have put in the bin and old photographs you'll come across. Nothing whatsoever.

For those of you that read my blog regularly, you'll know that moving back to London has always been a bit of a dream for me. I love the smell of the city, the different atmospheres depending on postal code, how it feels as if almost anything is possible, how easy it is to just jump on a tube and have an adventure on the underground, how stony faced some people can people while others are the kindest people you'll come across. I just love how poetic London is; the way the lights of offices filled with workers who never stop are always on, the difference between places like Chelsea and Sloane Square compared to Croydon and Hackney, the fact that something is ALWAYS happening - London doesn't slow down for anybody, or anything. It's bionic, it's magical and I'm absolutely ecstatic to write that I'm moving back there.

I've been travelling to London for job interviews since September. The train conductors on the Eastbourne - London Victoria train know me by name and whenever I get on a train, I'm always greeted with "good luck! What's it for this time?" - lovely, but annoying after the 5th interview. I always manage to get down to the final two applicants, but never further. Until this time.
I had an interview for an Administration Assistant's position within a debt collection agency on Thursday morning and by Thursday afternoon, I was declaring that I'd be leaving Eastbourne in 5 days.

I've spent the past 4 days packing up the bedroom that has been mine for the past 7 years, saying goodbye to amazing friends and using the excuse "but I'm leaving in 48 hours" to get away with things I shouldn't be doing. I keep having to remind myself that this is what I've wanted for the past 4 years, because sometimes the emotion gets a bit too much. I'm a walking ball of tears at the moment because while I know it's not forever, and London is only a 70 minute train ride away, everything feels so final. I'm moving out.

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

& so it's 4am, I'm on the road again to find some peace.

Some people just have the crazy ability to leave me speechless; it doesn't happen often which is why when it does happen, I know that it must be serious.
As I've said in previous blog posts, I've just 'finished' something that was pretty serious - at least in my eyes, anyway - and while I'm trying my hardest to be strong about the whole situations, sometimes it just all gets a little bit too much.

Ok, it wasn't a 5 year relationship and it was a pretty rubbish relationship, if I'm being honest with you, but my heart was still involved and for a while, it was so fucking great that right now, looking back on things, it feels like the greatest love story since Noah and Allie. In actual fact, we were probably more like Rachel and Joey from Friends; we should never have happened.

But we did and as much as I'd like to go back to the times when all we shared was a pretty good friendship, I can't. I'm cool with that, I've got nothing but peace knowing I've lost a friendship AND a relationship and as surprising as it sounds considering I don't do closure very well, I feel like I'm over that part of my life...maybe not 100%, but almost definitely at least 67% over it. I'm getting there.

I've just seen some news about this person; pretty great news actually. Life changing, in fact. I couldn't be happier for them. Without a doubt in my mind, forgetting just how much crap we put each other through, they are one of the coolest and smartest people I've ever met. Inspiring, encouraging, absolutely amazing and funny, as well. They deserve this more than I can explain.
It's not like me to admit to things like this, considering I try my absolute hardest to be 'cool', but it's times like this that I really wish I could change just how things have ended up. I just want to message them and say "y'know what? I'm really bloody proud of you. You rock my world and I hope we can be friends because you're really great." but that's almost impossible. They wouldn't want to hear it.

So tonight, instead of spending my evening crying into my pillow, regretting everything that happened between us, I'm going to get dressed up, put on my make-up and skinny jeans and have a laugh with some of my best pals. For those 6 months when everything was great, I gave my absolute everything to every single aspect of my life because I so wanted it all to work out. We had plans and we had imagined a future - I get that some of you are thinking "you're 18?! Why imagine a future when you barely know what you're going to be doing next week?" but it honestly felt truly different with this person - and in the aftermath of this stupid breakdown of such a cool friendship, as well as a shitty relationship, I lost all of that.

It's such a shame to see something so nice end up so bitter but as they say, these things happen for a reason. They've moved on with their life and while I wasn't exactly stood waiting around for them to move on first, I finally feel as if I can breathe a bit more gently.
Here's to the next silly chapter of my life :)