Saturday, 6 April 2013

Nobody ever plays Alanis Morissette anymore.

9pm walks through London, getting lost because I can't read the map on my phone and ending up having to ask the bouncer of a private club for directions. Tonight was what dreams are made of. Nobody has any idea what I've just been a part of, unless they were with me, but it's the nicest feeling in the world knowing that nobody knows why I'm happy but the smile on my face is making a complete stranger smile. Seeing couples kissing in Oxford Street doesn't make me cringe, it makes me laugh because I've never loved somebody so much that I'd kiss them so openly in the street like that. I have just re-discovered my first love and it's the most beautiful feeling in the world but it's writing and you can't kiss writing in the middle of the street. I would if you could though. 
I had conversations with my heroes and smoked a cigarette with the writer I most want to be like. And the writer I get told I am most like. I told them all about and they laughed because they said everyone wants to change the world but only really determined people do. So I said that I eat determination for breakfast and they smiled, I think because they saw my eyes flash when they questioned my ambitions. Nothing bad happened though and we continued laughing and smoking until it became too cold to do anything but go inside and continue drinking really expensive cocktails that we were getting for free. 
And then lots of people said I write really well and even though I didn't necessarily believe them all, I've got a spring in my step because I've wanted this for a really long time and it feels like tonight, I've finally got it. And I actually sort of deserve it. There's a part of me that thinks I've just got lucky but the other part is telling me that this is what I've been working towards ever since I was 7 when J.K Rowling was my hero. 
So I walk towards a bar in Tottenham Court Road and I'm crying on the phone to my Mum, which never happens and she laughs and tells me off for smoking but is secretly really happy that I did because otherwise I would never have had the conversations that are making me smile and cry at the same time. I walk into the place and the barlady leads me upstairs to the 'Members Only' area and see one of my soulmates. I don't think soulmates should be limited to romantic entanglements, I think they can be anybody you connect with more so than anybody else, somebody who understands why I'm smiling when Alanis Morissette starts playing in this bar. Because nobody ever plays Alanis Morissette anymore, and it feels like it's being played especially for me because tonight is really special. And then we talk about music and drink red wine until lips turn purple and the music becomes louder because downstairs has just turned into a nightclub. For once I don't want to party, and meet boys who say things like "I like you because you're never going to fall in love with me. This is just a one night thing and we both know it, right? I like that about you because you don't want to stay around in the morning." I just want to revel in the fact that tonight has been amazing and I've hung out with pretty much every single person who I look up to and if I haven't hung out with them, I've e-mailed them. 
Driving across London, with the lights illuminating the water and realising that there is literally nothing holding me back anymore. I have e-mail addresses belonging to every single one of my heroes now and if I want to e-mail them to say hi, I can.
Then eating lasagne and drinking tea, nothing making sense because all I can think about is how tonight was just the beginning and I'm surrounded by every single person I imagine 'living the dream' with. I don't think a night will ever be as surreal as this. I'm glad. I'm not even drunk, just a tiny bit tipsy and for once, I don't mind because I don't want to forget this night, ever. I don't want to wake up in the morning with a hangover and cringe as I remember drunkenly telling somebody I shouldn't that I love them and waking up next to somebody I don't even know the name of. I just want to stay in this night forever, sat on the sofa of one of my heroes talking about how life really is beautiful sometimes.