We'll fast forward to a few years later & no one knows except the both of us...

If it weren't for your maturity, none of this would have happened. If you weren't so wise beyond your years, I would have been able to control myself. If it weren't for my attention, you wouldn't have been successful and if it weren't for me, you would never have amounted to very much.

This could be messy but you don't seem to mind. Don't go telling everybody and overlook this supposed crime. We'll fast forward to a few years later and no-one knows except the both of us and I'll have honoured your request for silence and you've washed your hands clean of this.

You're essentially an employee and I like you having to depend on me. You're kind of my protege and one day you'll say you learned all you know from me. I know you depend on me like a young thing would to a guardian. I know you sexualise me like a young thing would and I think I like it.

What part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept? What part of your memory if selective and tends to forget? What with this distance it seems so obvious? This could be messy but you don't seem to mind. Don't go telling everybody and overlook this supposed crime. We'll fast forward to a few years later and no-one knows except the both of us and I'll have honoured your request for silence and you've washed your hands clean of this.

Just make sure you don't tell on me especially to members of your family. We best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner posse. I wish I could tell the world 'cause you're such a pretty thing when you're done up properly. I might want to marry you one day if you watch your weight and keep your firm body.

This could be messy but you don't seem to mind. Don't go telling everybody and overlook this supposed crime. We'll fast forward to a few years later and no-one knows except the both of us and I'll have honoured your request for silence and you've washed your hands clean of this.

"You're actually quite wise..." "Yeah, it's why everyone calls me The Owl..."

Firsts of everything can be scary; I remember my first day at school, holding my book bag like it was made of gold and not wanting to leave the house - I wanted to stay at home and watch episodes of Supermarket Sweep with my Mum, eating digestive biscuits on the sofa. My first kiss was in a field 10 minutes from my house, with my first boyfriend (his name was Demar), 15 minutes after my curfew...I was 10, he put his tongue in my mouth and I squirmed and said his tongue felt like a mushroom. My first day at a new school in Eastbourne. The first time I had sex (I was older than 10 and his tongue didn't feel like a mushroom). My first important exam. My first day at college. The first time I stayed at home without my parents. The first day I moved from Eastbourne to London, alone. My first day at a new job.

Although my brother also worked at the company, my first day at my new job was still absolutely terrifying. People had formed their opinion of me before I had even started because of my brother but I'm lucky because he's polite, funny and knows the expressions to pull so people think he's listening to them when they moan. I had been tarred with a good brush. Despite not having to worry about first impressions, seeing as my brother had sorted this for me, I still had a list as long as my forearm of "Things to Worry About When You Start a New Job" (#3 - hearing your manager go for a poo, whilst making conversation with you through cubicles). There was only so much my brother could do for me and given that the only thing we have in common is our eyes, I didn't want people to think I lived in his shadow. 

I'm a people pleaser so my main priority, whenever I have a 'first day' at something, is making sure nobody is whispering behind my back - and if they are, I want them to be whispering things like "Wow, she can handle her drink!" or "She's so cool and interesting and cultured, I need her in my life". These two things have never, ever been whispered behind my back, or shouted in my face either. Hence why I tend to try and people please to the maximum because I'm hoping that one day, somebody will take pity on me (or read this) and my quest to finally meet somebody who notices my drinking ability and my brilliant conversational skills will be complete. 

Whenever I hear that somebody isn't particularly fond of me, I'll do everything I'm capable of doing to change their mind. I'll never compromise my morals or my beliefs just so somebody will ask me to go to lunch with them but I am pretty persistent with my crusade. I won't stop until I have a reason for their distaste and even once I have this, I still attempt to alter their opinion of me. What can I say? I just like to be liked.

Just to clear things up, this 'new job' that I'm banging on about is at a debt collection agency. I've been working there for 7 months and I think I've won enough people over to feel comfortable in knowing nobody is going to put death threats in my locker or put laxatives in my tea. But, for the first couple of months, there was somebody who completely intimidated me, for reasons I'm still yet to understand, but I was petrified of saying the wrong thing because in my eyes, they were the coolest person I'd met (at this job, anyway). I didn't want to mess up, I didn't want them to see me as an awkward, chubby teenager and I most certainly didn't want them to dislike me.

My people pleasing tendencies kicked in and I sunk into "I'll make you like me" mode. Unfortunately, whenever I plan things, things seem to mess up even more and my first proper conversation with this person involved me hysterically crying and shouting "just don't touch me!" as they tried to comfort me. Nice one, Vick, doing well.

The more I tried to play the situation cool (or really, attempt to make this person like me without coming across like the biggest weirdo ever), the more I ended up embarrassing myself. I swear on the whole of John Lennon's discography that I have more trouble building friendships than I do relationships because I really do care too much about what people think. 

I'd heard that this person was quite similar to myself; similar music tastes, beliefs, opinions (except when it comes down to tattoos, Caitlin Moran and gingerbread) and hobbies - so I saw no reason for us not to get on...except, there was clearly something out there that didn't want us to be friends. So, I accepted that and I stopped trying to be cool, I gave into the stupid things that'd escape my mouth every time I spoke & over time, I accepted that sometimes people just aren't supposed to swap make-up tips & telephone numbers.

The minute I fully accepted that there was obviously something wrong with this person for them not to like me, was the moment things started to change. Suddenly, we'd start to talk about our weekend plans, our upcoming gigs and on one crazy afternoon, we even secretly ran to the shops for cigarettes and cake. It was on this particular afternoon that I realised that two things: the first thing was that this person understood me more than I originally thought as after 2 minutes of me non-stop rambling on about a pathetic work issue, she stopped me in my tracks and said "what the fuck are you going on about? Quit talking about work, you're so much more interesting than that. You have a life and you have ambitions. Talk to me about those." and the second thing was that sometimes you just need to chill out about a situation & things will slot into place; you shouldn't force a friendship, these things happen as & when and sometimes, the best sort of friendships are built on a little bit of a rocky foundation.

5 months later, we regularly go for lunch together, swap books and discuss our sex lives with no details spared. If you'd have told me the outcome of these events all that time ago when I would go home and literally spend hours wondering why this one person refused to like me, I'd probably have chilled out a bit more. 

As we sat in a pub/restaurant in Streatham High Road 4 weeks ago, drinking mojitos and swapping life stories like Pokemon cards in the 90s, I realised that inspiration CAN come from places we'd never expect.

When I originally moved to London, my plan was to meet lots of different individuals who would turn my world upside down. Individuals with ideas bigger than their very being. Individuals with passion and ambition flowing through their bloodstream. Individuals who are fearless, strong and excited. This is all because when I meet people like this, I begin to feel my blood boil and suddenly, I'm superhuman. I can write for days after a really cool 10 minute meeting and I question my whole existence for weeks, wondering how exactly I can grow into a better version of myself.

Now don't get me wrong, but I never thought for a second that I'd meet this type of person working for at a debt collection agency. I want to be a writer, it's that simple, and I'm inspired by people who appreciate the written word and authors like Harper Lee & Marcel Proust, people who have memorised Rainer Maria Rilke's entire work and people who don't just write because they have too but people who write because if they don't, they'll go mad. I know what that feels like and the minute I meet somebody who has to carry a pen around with them just in case they're hit with a perfect opening sentence for their book, I'm instantly encouraged. 

But as it turns out, the person that intimidated me the most happens to be my main source of inspiration during the hours of 9am to 5.30pm. What I find fascinating is that this one person's opinion, who 7 months ago had no effect on my life and my thought process, now alters how I think. I respect their opinion, their advice and most importantly, their time. It's not like we're particularly close outside of work, besides sharing a couple of rum and cokes and swapping a few drunken texts, but I've discovered that it's very rare to find somebody so extraordinary, somebody who inspires you so much in a situation that is so unimaginative.


Considering I work with my brother, I know I'm always going to be on the right path in terms of my day job. But meeting somebody at said day job, who does nothing but push me onto the right path in terms of my ambitions, my life and my mindset, is something not everyone is lucky enough to experience.
What's funny is that sometimes the people you least expect too suddenly have a huge effect on your life.

Most evenings, we share a 10 minute car journey together and it's on these journeys that I realise how lucky I am. One conversation in which I told her how I am/was completely besotted with a guy in a relationship stands out for me the most. This guy loves a few tears and when I explained this, the response is something that still makes me laugh;-

"Just fuck him and tell him to stop crying" - not the most moral, or in-depth, advice but the best advice I got given regarding the situation. He stopped crying.

My response to that? "You're actually quite wise." - "Yeah, it's why everyone calls me The Owl."

When I first started my job all I really wanted from it was experience, money to pay the bills and a few laughs between the hours of 9 and 5. The last thing I expected to take from it was somebody brand new who has changed, and shaped, my attitude to the point of no return. For once, I'm not even being dramatic.

First days are always scary. But, if I'd have been told on my first day of work that I'd have had my consciousness altered by somebody who isn't a writer, family or John Lennon, I'm certain I'd have spent less time worrying about hearing my manager on the toilet and more time on being myself. This being said, I'm really glad I put effort into trying to make somebody like me; sometimes you're put into really uncomfortable situations with people you're unfamiliar with to teach you how to become comfortable in your own skin. There's nothing more empowering than thinking "you know what? I am a rockstar" when the person you thought hated you is suddenly sat opposite you, drinking really sugary cocktails and giving you life advice.

There's also nothing more inspiring than being sat opposite the person you thought hated you, drinking really sugary cocktails, and realising they were in your position once upon time.
Not everything happens over night and a struggle is what makes the outcome so worth it. Listening to my very own "Owl" talk about childhood, aspirations and past relationships and realising we have more in common than I originally thought, everything started to slip into place. Sometimes, all you need is a good old test of character to encourage you to look back on where you've come from, work out who you are in the present and who you want to be in the future.

"Live, travel, adventure, bless, and don't be sorry."

As I've said before (here: I LOVE LISTS.), I'm a huge fan of lists. I'm a fan of making them, following them and ripping them up when everything has been ticked off. It's the sense of accomplishment and self-fulfilment that comes with the writing of a list that gets me; knowing you're starting something you can potentially finish, setting yourself a challenge and not stopping until the 'to-dos' are surrounded by ticks...

A list I never thought I'd see myself ever being fond of is the list of regrets that, by the time I'm 80, will be the length of a football pitch. Don't get me wrong, I've never specifically set out to create a list of every single moment that makes me cringe but it just so happens that I find writing those moments down and learning from them actually helps me alter my actions. I know not to repeat the same mistake twice because it's on the list. It's just this list doesn't have ticks next to the separate lines. It's written in bold, with red ink underlining the most important, the ones I think drastic action needs to be taken against.

Before I get caught up in purging a couple of these regrets (if you don't read this and instantly feel like a better human being, there is something wrong with you), let me just say that I've never been one to believe in regrets. I see every single action as life experience. Something to write about. So many a list of regrets is the wrong phrase because I most certainly don't regret ever doing them, I just want to learn my lesson from what unfolded after I put my foot in it. I have stupid tattoos and I've killed my hair by dying it too much but I'd never regret any of this because at the time, it WAS exactly what I wanted. So please don't read this in a negative way. Everything on this list has made me the person I am today. Now, that may not be a good thing, depending on your view of me, but I'm still learning and part of that process involves what's written down on this list and how I digest it. It's all important;-

1) Never trust a girl with no girlfriends and never trust a boy with no boyfriends; they're not afraid to hurt you or fuck you around and their social skills need to be seriously investigated. What is life without friends to talk about wanking or period pains with?

2) Despite the offer of illegal substances, when you get invited to be a part of a threesome involving a gay guy and a lesbian girl, say no.

3) There's a reason why there's a sign saying "DO NOT CLIMB" next to the 10 foot red reindeer. Open your eyes and read it otherwise you'll end up with a cut up back and a bruise on your bum that will haunt you for weeks.

4) Never buy white Converse (self explanatory).

5) Understand timing. Bad timing can be the root of all evil and you'll be the only person to understand how serious this can be.

6) Be a good friend. It sounds so simple but when your friend texts you with a sad face at 3am and you're drunk and kissing a really hot guy...put him down for a second and call your friend back. That call could change everything...that guy probably can't.

7) Stop beating yourself up for writing something that isn't that great; you can't expect yourself to write exceptional pieces every single time you write. You're only human.

8) Don't necessarily take every single piece of their advice but listen when your parents talk. They have the best stories and know you better than you know yourself.

9) It may feel like on a Friday and Saturday night, wine is your best friend, but in the morning, you'll feel otherwise. Don't be fooled by your tired eyes and the stress the week has caused you.

10) Quit wasting days in bed.

11) Sometimes you have to waste days in bed; when you're laying next to somebody you really care about, discussing love, life and everything under the sun, sometimes the most perfect place is exactly where you are. Don't assume these moments have to be huge spontaneous adventures...things CAN change from your double bed.

12) When somebody taunts you for gaining a tiny bit of weight, or comments on how short your skirt is, just remember the journey you overcame to finally wear clothes that show your flesh or eat food that makes your stomach swell and your smile stretch.

13) Never underestimate your ability to push yourself. In the darkest moments, you'll surprise yourself at how much strength you have hidden away.

14) Be aware of what you throw to other people - especially those that don't deserve it. When you can no longer attack yourself, you'll attack the ones closest to you, those who genuinely care. Don't.

15) Don't be afraid to apologise. If you're in the wrong, accept it. Nobody likes a stubborn person, especially one who refuses to admit we all fuck up sometimes.

16) Don't be afraid to argue with your Doctor. If you don't feel right, get it checked, get it assessed, get it sorted. Even if they advise you you're perfectly healthy, only you know your body inside out.

17) Say thank you.

18) Never shun those who bore you. Even they have a story to tell.

19) Embrace every single musical genre you can get your ears on. Don't be afraid to do the dutty wine, the two step or the head bang. Get involved. Music can change the world...

20) Appreciate what you have, when you have it. Never take anything for granted and stop assuming you deserve everything you're given. Work hard and you'll reap the benefits. Don't bitch about something that only you have the ability to change.

Maybe in our wildest moments, we could be the greatest.

"Sitting in the station, contemplating looks on people's faces wondering why they are smiling or what troubles they are facing. I don't know why I'm thinking it but I just take the time to sit and wonder what their dream is and how they're trying to chase it when an old lady comes and sits next to me. She says "next birthday I'll be 83. I fell in love with the world when I was 24, I've lived in Mexico, Columbia and Ecuador. Sat next to the Taj Mahal while the sun was rising, spent a year in Australia chasing the horizons. So take your guitar and do what you have to do. I know what you're scared of, I used to feel it too, you're not scared of climbing mountains, you're scared that you can't make them move." - Lucy Spraggan

I'm petrified of waking up one morning and having absolutely no passion, of not knowing how to write or how to express myself through words, I'm scared that I'm not good enough to turn this into a career and I hate that it's the only thing that evokes jealousy within me - not even jealousy, just a horrible feeling of "why should you be reaping the benefits when I've wanted this ever since I was a little girl?". It has the ability to turn me crazy and horrible and bitter. It's the strongest relationship I've ever had, better than any drug I've tried complete with a horrendous comedown that lasts for days after. 

I haven't been writing much lately because once I start, I can't stop and I become engulfed by emotions that make it impossible for me to deal with the real world for a little while. It all sounds very dramatic but it's the truth. The best explanation is comparing it to dabbling with drugs - the danger, the high, the low, the feeling you get as you feel it take over your body...it's the best feeling and the worst feeling all mixed up in one. 

The last couple of weeks have been the craziest I've ever had; it's been non-stop. House hunting, working all the time, partying, different events, gigs, too much alcohol and some serious laughs. When everything is so lovely, I don't feel the need to drag myself into the mentality I seem to acquire when I write. It's intense and lovely and dangerous and it consumes me. It's the emotion I will always struggle with, because it is so difficult to understand. 

I'm going to spend the next couple of weeks trying to understand it, trying to get my head around why a simple task such as writing a review on my new favourite band, can turn me into the most difficult person to be around. I need to move my own mountains.

"And love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears, get over your hill & see what you find there...

...with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."

2 years ago, I took a chance and sent a complete stranger my writing; I was 17, had absolutely no idea where I was going in life but I knew I wanted to write until my fingers were numb and I had a Pulitzer Prize under my belt. I had no idea where to start but I knew the conventional route was not for me. My parents believed in me but at the same time thought that maybe the conventional route was for the best...go to University, get a full time job, write on the side and see it as no more than a hobby. I needed somebody to believe in me, to encourage me to care more about writing than a pay packet at the end of the month, to be courageous.

3 hours after I sent the e-mail containing my writing to that complete stranger, I had a reply back. A lovely, lengthy e-mail that took me 45 minutes to read and completely digest; somebody had paid attention to my silly ramblings and took time out of their day to send me their thoughts. I printed the reply out and kept it in a box full of treasured things. It sat amongst friendship bracelets, postcards, key rings, photographs and notes from my first proper crush that we had swapped in Maths lessons years ago. Even to this day, 2 years on, the end of the reply gives me goosebumps:

"You're COMPLETELY on the right path and never, ever give up your dream. No matter how many times you may be told to. Because after all, you heard it from your Auntie Carrie"

This complete stranger has turned into one of my greatest inspirations. She's a pal as well as one of the best teachers I've ever had and it is without a doubt that Carrie Lloyd has had a huge affect on my brain. I send her e-mails full of questions for her to answer so I can just learn a little bit more, her advice is one of my most treasured possession (I had it stuck to my wall for a year...then I moved and it's now stuck in my journal. Some turn to vodka when they feel a bit down, I turn to Carrie's writing...and then vodka) and her life fascinates me...I could literally sit for hours and listen to her talk. 

When I sent that first e-mail to her, I never would have imagined that we'd still be in touch: phone calls for 2 hours about life, love and Carrie berating me for listening to ONE rap song (I can't even justify myself), e-mails at 2am in the morning, text messages discussing work and stories about chocolate éclairs. Regardless of whether we talk every single day or once a month, I know Carrie's got my back. I can phone her in a complete state over the tiniest of things and by the end of the conversation have a plan of action on how to attack the problem, super calm and collected like nothing had even bothered me in the first place. It's amazing how somebody has the ability to change your thought process so easily.

So, when Carrie told me she was moving to California for 9 months, the first thing that came to mind, rather selfishly, was "how the fuck am I going to cope?" - there's an 8 hour time difference meaning there's always going to be a delay on replies, it costs a bomb to text the USA from the UK which means phoning is completely out of the question as well and I'm so incapable of using technology that WhatsApp isn't even an options. Whose phone am I going to be able to call up and leave a 2 minute voicemail of me singing 'Superbass' by Nicki Minaj? What's going to happen when I'm unable to solve a situation alone? Don't get me wrong, I'm surrounded by friends but Carrie's advice is always spot on...I've got used to her sorting my life out and I think it's crazy selfish that she's just leaving for America. 

I refuse to factor in that she's leaving her Mum, her dog, her friends and family, and her relatively new love interest/boyfriend/person that sounds so lovely, because that would mean opening my eyes to how important this move really is to Carrie. I much prefer looking at this through selfish eyes and saying she's leaving me, as an individual, so she can go and catch some rays on a sandy beach in California and escape the wrath of my rapping ability and her voicemail. 

Despite my rather self centered outlook on this move, I know it's going to be one of the most rewarding experiences for Carrie; she's not actually moving all those miles away to lay on a beach getting a tan, instead she's studying outreach work in California which involves pregnancy advice, drug rehab and writing testimonies on kids with behaviour issues. Although my view on this is completely selfish, Carrie's motives are the complete opposite. It's scary thinking she's going to be a thousands of miles away, changing the minds of other's and not just mine (although I'm sure many hands would go up if ever the question "how many of you have had your mind/heart/life changed by Carrie Lloyd?" was asked). 

I've got a lot to thank Carrie for: every single piece of advice she's ever given me, the text messages, the e-mails from that very first one to the many that I'm going to force her into sending me in the future, the writing she's introduced me too, the blog posts, the chocolate éclair story that I'm never going to be able to forget, the music she's made me listen too, the selflessness that's opened my eyes and made me want to be a better person, the amount of love she has to give and the amount of laughter she provides, for eating all the pitta bread and saving my waistline, every single story and every single anecdote that I've been told, for never ever giving up on me even when I've been an absolute idiot, never judging me, for believing in me even when I don't even believe in myself, her attempts at forcing me to show emotion, for changing my outlook on a million and one things and for teaching me to be a lovelier person. 

There's so many more things I could write about but this America move is coming around far too quickly...as much as I want her to stay, I fear a lengthy blog post listing every single thing I'm so appreciative of is not the way to make her miss her flight. 

So for now, Carrie, I just want to say this: thank you for turning my brain upside down, for everything you've ever done for me and the lessons you've taught me. "Go be a world changer with your words and I'll be the one buying the bubbles". Come back soon please, there's pitta bread and a bottle of red wine waiting at the Avalon with your name on it. 

xxx

& luck runs out and hearts go cold, we're only young until we're old.

 One night last month, I went to see Jay James Picton play live with one of my favourite people, Carly Wilford. We met one of Carly's friends, Katy, who I've completely fallen in love with and this was the result. Katy's TINY hence why only her head is on show. Beaut of a night!

 Last month, one of my best friends dragged me to a boat party on the River Thames; we drunk beer like water and danced until our feet hurt.

 Another of my best friend's had a baby a week ago; I'm completely in love with her little face. Welcome to the world, Ebony Lilly Hyde.

 Tower Bridge the night of the boat party - my favourite place in London.

 On Tuesday night, my brother and his girlfriend decided to go on an adventure to the Krispy Kreme Factory which is about 35 minutes away from us. We ate warm doughnuts and listened to reggae music whilst sat in the car park. 

 My horoscope could not have been more apt this month! Crazy stuff.

 Our pouting competition on Wednesday night. My brother had just called me a mole and I completely ruined this photograph.

 I found my old Gameboy when I went back to Eastbourne and ended up spending the night playing it instead of being sociable. What a loser!

V Festival 2012, I remember nothing.

"And I can't help but wonder just where I'm meant to be"

It is SO easy to lose sight of what's kept you striving for your dreams when you feel as though you're halfway there; the only thing getting me through living in Eastbourne, besides my friends and excessive amounts of alcohol/illegal substances, was my writing. Knowing that just one day, I'd be living in London, writing my arse off for a super cool publication, attending amazing events. Well...I'm living in London and working my arse off at a typical 9 to 5, saving up (or attempting too) for driving lessons, Open University and a place of my own. I know I'll get there eventually, I'm just taking my time.

Despite being surrounded by a handful of completely amazing, inspirational people, it's always difficult to continue aspiring to something when you feel as though you're nearly there. It's the lazy trait in me that always justifies sleeping in until 1pm rearing it's head that tells me to slow down, to take my time. I'm only 19, I know I have forever to climb the aspiration ladder. Having this sort of attitude doesn't exactly push you into bettering yourself; I'm all about taking risks and making the most of opportunities; I normally only apply this this to my hair as opposed to my actual life - if I dye my hair and it goes wrong, I can laugh it off, whereas if I  apply for a job and get rejected, that's my pride and dignity messed with. I've never been a fan of that (except after a Jagermeister or two).

I'll be the first to admit that I've got lazy; I've lost motivation and a night out, spending stupid amounts of money on alcohol that's only going to make me sick 2 hours later, seems to appeal to me much more than a driving lesson.
I've always been known as ambitious - maybe it's because I'm incredibly stubborn and once I get an idea into my head, I refuse to let it drop. But teamed with tardiness, ambition hasn't exactly been my best friend. I've got used to the routine I've let myself become accustomed too and until 4 nights ago, I honestly thought this would be okay. Like I said, I'm halfway to where I want to be eventually, why am I rushing?

But, 3 nights ago, I had a conversation - or rather somebody spoke to me, I listened - that made me realise it isn't okay to accept things as they are. If we stop dreaming, aspiring to something, we may as well just settle down and give up. Accept that you're never going to better yourself and start counting the 100% attendance certificates from secondary school that you were awarded with because if you give up now, that's as good as it's going to get.

I'm not going to lie, when the conversation took place I was a little bit drunk (a tiny bit). I don't remember it word for word but what I do remember went something like this "don't give up on your dreams, don't let stupid chavvy boys get in your way and make sure you achieve something. You're headstrong, I know you're not stupid but just make sure you try to pursue the career you want." - the conversation came from somebody I met 5 months ago. I rarely listen to my parents because what 19 year old does? But hearing that sort of thing come from the mouth of somebody who hasn't known me that long has really opened my eyes to what's around me; everything there is for me to achieve and pursue, the relationships I've missed opportunities because of and the people I've wasted my time on.

I haven't been able to write in so long and I'll hold my hands up and admit that it's because I've either been too lazy or too drunk but that's about to change. I'm throwing myself head first into writing and pursuing it as a career and regardless of how long that takes me, at least I'll know it's not for my lack of trying.

"If you fail, well at least you know you tried."