Smoke another cigarette but they don't taste the same...

...I know we had the map out, but 'lost' is my middle name.

The Doctor says I'll have to wait until the alcohol wears off.

It was 4am in the morning and I was sat in A&E, waiting to find out how my best friend was doing after slicing her arm to pieces. I'd been at the hospital along with her Mum and boyfriend since 1.30am and although we didn't know it at the time, we wouldn't be leaving the hospital until 11am the next morning. We'd spend 10 hours in hospital with nothing to do but talk to each other, panic about the previous unfoldings of the evening and work out where it all went wrong.

That day, we had gone to Camden for a day full of an alcohol filled lunch, lots of shopping and random intervals where the other's would have to drag me out of numerous tattoo parlours before I walked out with 'Ken' tattooed in a love heart on my thigh. It was typically my favourite kind of day. I love Camden, I love alcohol, I love shopping and I love that I know my best friend and her family will happily waste their time stopping me from doing something I'd later regret. Roll forward 7 hours later and that brilliant day out seemed like a distant memory.

Hospitals do strange things to people; when I was little, I remember my Dad working at one and on a Saturday morning, after dropping my Mum to work, he'd drive me into his department - where there was a teddy bear wearing a bandage stuck to the department's exterior wall -, make me a cup of tea and leave me with a word search in his office for 20 minutes while he checked that everything was running smoothly. Then as I got older, the hospital became a place I'd fear. Knowing I HAD no choice, if I wanted to get better, than to go there was petrifying at 15 and everything from the clinical white decoration to the way the reception staff were so friendly evoked some kind of emotion that made me want to run screaming from the hills. But then my Granddad died and visiting him hours before he passed away, I saw how hard the staff worked to keep him positive in his last moments and suddenly, this place I once feared became a place I respected. But while I was sat there for those 10 hours, waiting on news about my friend, the hospital just made me think.

It made me think about every decision I've ever made - it made me doubt them, justify them and agree with them all at once -, it made me think about every single person I consider a priority in my life and whether they feel the same (or am I merely an option to them?) and it made me think about what I want to do with my life and how I want to be viewed.
Do I really want to be known as the girl who has a one night stand with somebody she's just met because it'll be a funny story to tell after a glass of wine? Do I want to be known as the girl who can list every single side effect of cocaine because she's felt the effect of it one too many times? And, do I really want to be known as the girl who ran away from the problems she had in a small town, only to create more in an even bigger city?

The collective answer to those 3 questions is no. I don't want to make a decision based purely on the fact that the action will perhaps give a chuckle to a handful of people. I want my family to be proud of me and know that the decisions I make in the future are well thought out and detailed.I would really like to start a story without the first sentence being "so I was really drunk/out of my face..." and lastly, I'd really like to look back in 40 years time and truthfully say "D'ya know what? I HAVE had fun, I have no drunken regrets and I've lived a bloody good life. Plus, I can remember everything from aged 19 upwards because I wasn't so drunk I could barely remember my own name or so high that I chewed the skin from my wrist bones."
I really just want to look back on this crazy thing we call life and not want to cringe from embarrassment.

We all make mistakes - that's a fact. If you can find me one person who will hold their hands up and honestly say they've lived each day perfectly and haven't fucked up once, I'll salute you. In fact, I'll write you a cheque for £1000 (I haven't actually got this much in my bank account so please don't try to prove me right as I won't be able to pay you) and get your name tattooed on my forehead (again, please don't do this. I can't fulfil it. I quite like my forehead). I'll hold my hands up right now and admit that I've made my fair share of them but instead of being sat in that hospital, letting these bad decisions eat me up from the inside, I made probably the most sensible decision I've ever made to start afresh and THINK properly before I act upon something.

Don't get me wrong, I'll still be spontaneously dying my hair green and getting silly things tattooed on me because I'm bored one day but I'm hoping this means I'll be spending less time propped up at the bar, ordering large glasses of wine because I want to forget my previous actions. That night at the hospital, I saw who I want to be and how I want to be viewed. I also saw the type of person I don't want to become. The one thing that was a little bit shady is how to get to where I want to be.
But that's the exciting part; I'm learning every single step of the way and I'm figuring it all out in my head instead of trying to figure out what exactly did happen on that random night out.

Although that night in A&E wasn't very pleasant and I can safely say we all would rather have been at home, drinking tea and watching a random music programme, we all discovered something about ourselves.
Personally, I discovered I have heaps of courage and I should really be putting it to good use instead of bad. Stop being courageous when it comes to sexual experimentation and drugs and start being fearless in my career and ambitions. That's exactly what this is all about.

It's about using your powers for good, instead of evil and striving to be a better person. I've always said that this is my main goal in life - to be a better version of the person I am - but I'm actually going to start putting that into practise.

I guess I have a lot to thank that night in hospital for...(despite my friend probably feeling otherwise, I know that eventually she'll look back on this crazy night and realise everything that happened was for the best. Even if it may not seem like it now.)

Timshel

Cold is the water, it freezes your already cold mind. Already cold, cold mind and death is at your doorstep and it will steal your innocence, but it will not steal your substance.
But you are not alone in this and you are not alone in this. As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand, hold your hand and you are the mother, the mother of your baby child, the one to whom you gave life.And you have your choices and these are what make man great, his ladder to the stars.
But you are not alone in this and you are not alone in this.As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand, hold your hand.
But I will tell the night and whisper, "lose your sight" but I can't move the mountains for you.

You're broken and I'm pissed.

Sometimes the worst decisions make the best stories.

But I can't move the mountains for you.

If there's one thing I love more than John Lennon, it's a good ol' list; as long as there are bullet points involved, a list can be about anything and I'll take it on-board. If you want me to do something - write me a list. If you want to teach me something - write me a list. If you want me to listen - write me a list. I think lists are possibly the best communication form ever invented. No list has a limit and those bullet points are never-ending.
Between the ages of 14 and 17, I lived my entire life by a list. The technical term was a bucket list, and every single action I made would be because there would be something on this list that would benefit from that action. Losing weight? "Exercise for at least 60 minutes a day." Travel the world? "Save up at least £30 per month." Have a piece of my writing published? "Write everything down" (practise makes perfect, after all). When I reached 17, I realised I'd been living a pretty unhealthy lifestyle. I wasn't enjoying myself unless I was ticking things off this never-ending list. I discovered that there was a limit to this list, not in the obvious sense, but in a sense that I had to stop it taking over my life.
So I ripped it out of my journal, stuck it to my wall and vowed to attempt to live without it. I still wrote down my dreams and ambitions because it gave me something to look forward to or strive towards but it became less about ticking things off the list and more about gaining experience to add things to it.
My bucket list is now 3 pages long and when I'm drunk, I tend to try to get other people thinking about what would be on THEIR bucket list. It's a rather difficult task for somebody under the influence of vodka.

Why I'm writing this blog post though is to publish a list I haven't been keeping track of before. This list is a random, off the top of my head, spontaneous list; stating all of things I think I should know by now. I'm 19 and besides knowing that I want to write for a living, I have no idea what I want to do with my life - where I want to live, whether I want children, if I want to get married etc. So here's my "Things I Feel I Should Know But Don't Always Remember" list and I'm going to use it to catch myself whenever I feel I'm doing something I know I shouldn't be...which is quite often:

1) Who to trust with matters of my heart, soul and mind.
2) How to confront a friend without ruining a friendship
3) When to begin and when to stop.
4) Knowing when I've had too much to drink.
5) Knowing that when somebody offers me a rolled up £20 note and a line of cocaine, I should always say no.
6) How to get the perfect eyebrow shape to suit my face.
7) How to love, and appreciate, myself for my flaws.
8) Just because somebody pays the slightest bit of attention to me, it doesn't mean I have to sleep with them.
9) I can't change the shape of my body; I'm SUPPOSED to have curves.
10) The same does not apply for more than one chin. Put down the chocolate every so often.
11) Appreciate the people who accept me for ME. If somebody can love you for your flaws as well as your positives, they're 100% worth your time.
12) When somebody is in a relationship, don't think of it as a challenge. Accept it and move on.
13) One kiss has the power to change my life.
14) Never ever take people for granted; they could be gone in seconds.
15) Always appreciate other people's music taste. If somebody had told me 3 days ago that I'd be partying in underground tunnels, skanking to Skepta, I'd have laughed in their face. As it turns out, I had one of the best nights I've ever had...
16) There will be days when old habits will come back to haunt me. Don't dwell on them. Instead, think about how you're going to grow from them.
17) Boundaries are there for a reason.
18) How to spend time alone.
19) When to stop talking.
20) My life is not a storybook. Not everything should be written about.
21) Rules aren't always there to be broken.
22) My parents and brother will always support me.
23) Sometimes it's good to shake up the status quo. Break away from the norm and don't be afraid to fly.
24) Tattoos are permanent.
25) That my childhood and teenage years maybe not have been perfect but I'm entering adulthood and it's time to move on from the past.
26) People have the ability to fuck things up for the worst, but sometimes for the best.
27) Listen to others, the best lessons are those taught by other people.
28) Not everybody is going to like me.
29) Dreams are supposed to be big and frustrating.
30) Hair dye will ruin my hair.
31) Appreciate other people's flaws.
32) Money is not the be all and end all of things. If somebody loves you when you haven't got a penny to your name, they'll love you the same amount when you have pounds.
33) Never apologise for something that isn't my fault but know that 'sorry' can solve a lot, when used properly.
34) Have substance, morals and don't be afraid to have an opinion.
35) Try not to regret anything. Everything happens for a reason.

Sensible heart.

I get so distracted by some peoples reactions that I don't see my own faults for what they are. 
At times, so self destructive with no intent or motive but behind this emotion, there lies a sensible heart. A sensible heart.
See, I'm no king...I wear no crown but desperate times seem over now but still I weaken somehow. It tears me apart.
I hope to learn as time goes by that I should trust what's deep inside burning bright, burning bright.
My sensible heart.

Read another horoscope, but they all say the same.

How appropriate that the song my iPod's shuffle feature decides to present me with at the moment I need to talk to somebody the most, is the song that reminds me of the person I want to talk to the most. I don't know if I believe in 'signs' but if I did, I'd definitely say that this song is one.

I smell of BBQ sauce & other people's sweat, my feet hurt and I feel like I could enter a seriously committed relationship - something which normally has me running for the hills - with my bed and live happily ever after. But instead, I'm on a train heading back to The Sunshine Coast, where even the idea of sleep is ludacris thanks to 2 screaming children and a loud conductor insisting on barging in on my carriage every 2 seconds.

I have 2 dilemmas at the moment:
1) I have 2 Krispy Kreme donuts sat in front of me; I'm supposed to be saving them for somebody but after the day I've had, I think I deserve to eat them.
2) I've just had a job interview that I really wanted to do well in. I researched the company, travelled to London and wore really uncomfortable shoes for 8 hours - all for the interview.
After the first 15 minutes of the induction, I realised that the job isn't actually what I want but it is in London...and that's probably the only positive...

My head and heart are currently in serious conflict; my head is telling me to take the job because after all it'll get me out of Eastbourne.
Then I have my heart screaming at me, telling me to carry on surviving £150 a month, sending my CV to every company possible and spending my hours dreaming of an East London lifestyle because something will come along eventually that'll make all those hours of dreaming and money watching worthwhile.

Both dilemmas seem equally as pressing. If I eat the donuts, will I have failed in the eyes of the person I was supposed to be saving them for? Will they even still like me if I demolish their donuts? Are my hips going to love me afterwards? Will they taste better, or worse, tinged with guilt?

If I say yes to the job, will me heart be disappointed with me? Will my head let me down in the end? After alcohol intake, drug taking, hair dye fumes and heavy metal gigs - does my head even still like me? But then if I follow my heart, will my head be angry? Will I regret it? I mean I've put my heart in many compromising situations - it's probably had enough of me. It's probably trying to get rid of me.

For once in my life, I'd like to be told what to do. I'd like that person who I'm reminded of by my iPod playing cheesy songs to send me a text/FB message/e-mail/sign, just telling me what to do. I'd believe in signs if they told me what to do about these Krispy Kremes...

You hear songs, watch movies and read books in which the main character drops everything and runs awa to another city, bright eyed, normally in love and full of hope for the future.
But as one of my best friends frequently tells me "Vick, your life is not a book" and as much as I'd like to think that I'm that main character, I know nothing is ever as easy as it is in a song/book/movie.

(I actually ate both donuts. The person doesn't hate me. I didn't take the job but another one came up that I really wanted a week later and I've been living in London for 2 weeks now. I followed my heart and things seemed to have worked out pretty well...for now.)