Maybe in our wildest moments, we could be the greatest.

"Sitting in the station, contemplating looks on people's faces wondering why they are smiling or what troubles they are facing. I don't know why I'm thinking it but I just take the time to sit and wonder what their dream is and how they're trying to chase it when an old lady comes and sits next to me. She says "next birthday I'll be 83. I fell in love with the world when I was 24, I've lived in Mexico, Columbia and Ecuador. Sat next to the Taj Mahal while the sun was rising, spent a year in Australia chasing the horizons. So take your guitar and do what you have to do. I know what you're scared of, I used to feel it too, you're not scared of climbing mountains, you're scared that you can't make them move." - Lucy Spraggan

I'm petrified of waking up one morning and having absolutely no passion, of not knowing how to write or how to express myself through words, I'm scared that I'm not good enough to turn this into a career and I hate that it's the only thing that evokes jealousy within me - not even jealousy, just a horrible feeling of "why should you be reaping the benefits when I've wanted this ever since I was a little girl?". It has the ability to turn me crazy and horrible and bitter. It's the strongest relationship I've ever had, better than any drug I've tried complete with a horrendous comedown that lasts for days after. 

I haven't been writing much lately because once I start, I can't stop and I become engulfed by emotions that make it impossible for me to deal with the real world for a little while. It all sounds very dramatic but it's the truth. The best explanation is comparing it to dabbling with drugs - the danger, the high, the low, the feeling you get as you feel it take over your body...it's the best feeling and the worst feeling all mixed up in one. 

The last couple of weeks have been the craziest I've ever had; it's been non-stop. House hunting, working all the time, partying, different events, gigs, too much alcohol and some serious laughs. When everything is so lovely, I don't feel the need to drag myself into the mentality I seem to acquire when I write. It's intense and lovely and dangerous and it consumes me. It's the emotion I will always struggle with, because it is so difficult to understand. 

I'm going to spend the next couple of weeks trying to understand it, trying to get my head around why a simple task such as writing a review on my new favourite band, can turn me into the most difficult person to be around. I need to move my own mountains.

"And love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears, get over your hill & see what you find there...

...with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."

2 years ago, I took a chance and sent a complete stranger my writing; I was 17, had absolutely no idea where I was going in life but I knew I wanted to write until my fingers were numb and I had a Pulitzer Prize under my belt. I had no idea where to start but I knew the conventional route was not for me. My parents believed in me but at the same time thought that maybe the conventional route was for the best...go to University, get a full time job, write on the side and see it as no more than a hobby. I needed somebody to believe in me, to encourage me to care more about writing than a pay packet at the end of the month, to be courageous.

3 hours after I sent the e-mail containing my writing to that complete stranger, I had a reply back. A lovely, lengthy e-mail that took me 45 minutes to read and completely digest; somebody had paid attention to my silly ramblings and took time out of their day to send me their thoughts. I printed the reply out and kept it in a box full of treasured things. It sat amongst friendship bracelets, postcards, key rings, photographs and notes from my first proper crush that we had swapped in Maths lessons years ago. Even to this day, 2 years on, the end of the reply gives me goosebumps:

"You're COMPLETELY on the right path and never, ever give up your dream. No matter how many times you may be told to. Because after all, you heard it from your Auntie Carrie"

This complete stranger has turned into one of my greatest inspirations. She's a pal as well as one of the best teachers I've ever had and it is without a doubt that Carrie Lloyd has had a huge affect on my brain. I send her e-mails full of questions for her to answer so I can just learn a little bit more, her advice is one of my most treasured possession (I had it stuck to my wall for a year...then I moved and it's now stuck in my journal. Some turn to vodka when they feel a bit down, I turn to Carrie's writing...and then vodka) and her life fascinates me...I could literally sit for hours and listen to her talk. 

When I sent that first e-mail to her, I never would have imagined that we'd still be in touch: phone calls for 2 hours about life, love and Carrie berating me for listening to ONE rap song (I can't even justify myself), e-mails at 2am in the morning, text messages discussing work and stories about chocolate éclairs. Regardless of whether we talk every single day or once a month, I know Carrie's got my back. I can phone her in a complete state over the tiniest of things and by the end of the conversation have a plan of action on how to attack the problem, super calm and collected like nothing had even bothered me in the first place. It's amazing how somebody has the ability to change your thought process so easily.

So, when Carrie told me she was moving to California for 9 months, the first thing that came to mind, rather selfishly, was "how the fuck am I going to cope?" - there's an 8 hour time difference meaning there's always going to be a delay on replies, it costs a bomb to text the USA from the UK which means phoning is completely out of the question as well and I'm so incapable of using technology that WhatsApp isn't even an options. Whose phone am I going to be able to call up and leave a 2 minute voicemail of me singing 'Superbass' by Nicki Minaj? What's going to happen when I'm unable to solve a situation alone? Don't get me wrong, I'm surrounded by friends but Carrie's advice is always spot on...I've got used to her sorting my life out and I think it's crazy selfish that she's just leaving for America. 

I refuse to factor in that she's leaving her Mum, her dog, her friends and family, and her relatively new love interest/boyfriend/person that sounds so lovely, because that would mean opening my eyes to how important this move really is to Carrie. I much prefer looking at this through selfish eyes and saying she's leaving me, as an individual, so she can go and catch some rays on a sandy beach in California and escape the wrath of my rapping ability and her voicemail. 

Despite my rather self centered outlook on this move, I know it's going to be one of the most rewarding experiences for Carrie; she's not actually moving all those miles away to lay on a beach getting a tan, instead she's studying outreach work in California which involves pregnancy advice, drug rehab and writing testimonies on kids with behaviour issues. Although my view on this is completely selfish, Carrie's motives are the complete opposite. It's scary thinking she's going to be a thousands of miles away, changing the minds of other's and not just mine (although I'm sure many hands would go up if ever the question "how many of you have had your mind/heart/life changed by Carrie Lloyd?" was asked). 

I've got a lot to thank Carrie for: every single piece of advice she's ever given me, the text messages, the e-mails from that very first one to the many that I'm going to force her into sending me in the future, the writing she's introduced me too, the blog posts, the chocolate éclair story that I'm never going to be able to forget, the music she's made me listen too, the selflessness that's opened my eyes and made me want to be a better person, the amount of love she has to give and the amount of laughter she provides, for eating all the pitta bread and saving my waistline, every single story and every single anecdote that I've been told, for never ever giving up on me even when I've been an absolute idiot, never judging me, for believing in me even when I don't even believe in myself, her attempts at forcing me to show emotion, for changing my outlook on a million and one things and for teaching me to be a lovelier person. 

There's so many more things I could write about but this America move is coming around far too quickly...as much as I want her to stay, I fear a lengthy blog post listing every single thing I'm so appreciative of is not the way to make her miss her flight. 

So for now, Carrie, I just want to say this: thank you for turning my brain upside down, for everything you've ever done for me and the lessons you've taught me. "Go be a world changer with your words and I'll be the one buying the bubbles". Come back soon please, there's pitta bread and a bottle of red wine waiting at the Avalon with your name on it. 

xxx

& luck runs out and hearts go cold, we're only young until we're old.

 One night last month, I went to see Jay James Picton play live with one of my favourite people, Carly Wilford. We met one of Carly's friends, Katy, who I've completely fallen in love with and this was the result. Katy's TINY hence why only her head is on show. Beaut of a night!

 Last month, one of my best friends dragged me to a boat party on the River Thames; we drunk beer like water and danced until our feet hurt.

 Another of my best friend's had a baby a week ago; I'm completely in love with her little face. Welcome to the world, Ebony Lilly Hyde.

 Tower Bridge the night of the boat party - my favourite place in London.

 On Tuesday night, my brother and his girlfriend decided to go on an adventure to the Krispy Kreme Factory which is about 35 minutes away from us. We ate warm doughnuts and listened to reggae music whilst sat in the car park. 

 My horoscope could not have been more apt this month! Crazy stuff.

 Our pouting competition on Wednesday night. My brother had just called me a mole and I completely ruined this photograph.

 I found my old Gameboy when I went back to Eastbourne and ended up spending the night playing it instead of being sociable. What a loser!

V Festival 2012, I remember nothing.

"And I can't help but wonder just where I'm meant to be"

It is SO easy to lose sight of what's kept you striving for your dreams when you feel as though you're halfway there; the only thing getting me through living in Eastbourne, besides my friends and excessive amounts of alcohol/illegal substances, was my writing. Knowing that just one day, I'd be living in London, writing my arse off for a super cool publication, attending amazing events. Well...I'm living in London and working my arse off at a typical 9 to 5, saving up (or attempting too) for driving lessons, Open University and a place of my own. I know I'll get there eventually, I'm just taking my time.

Despite being surrounded by a handful of completely amazing, inspirational people, it's always difficult to continue aspiring to something when you feel as though you're nearly there. It's the lazy trait in me that always justifies sleeping in until 1pm rearing it's head that tells me to slow down, to take my time. I'm only 19, I know I have forever to climb the aspiration ladder. Having this sort of attitude doesn't exactly push you into bettering yourself; I'm all about taking risks and making the most of opportunities; I normally only apply this this to my hair as opposed to my actual life - if I dye my hair and it goes wrong, I can laugh it off, whereas if I  apply for a job and get rejected, that's my pride and dignity messed with. I've never been a fan of that (except after a Jagermeister or two).

I'll be the first to admit that I've got lazy; I've lost motivation and a night out, spending stupid amounts of money on alcohol that's only going to make me sick 2 hours later, seems to appeal to me much more than a driving lesson.
I've always been known as ambitious - maybe it's because I'm incredibly stubborn and once I get an idea into my head, I refuse to let it drop. But teamed with tardiness, ambition hasn't exactly been my best friend. I've got used to the routine I've let myself become accustomed too and until 4 nights ago, I honestly thought this would be okay. Like I said, I'm halfway to where I want to be eventually, why am I rushing?

But, 3 nights ago, I had a conversation - or rather somebody spoke to me, I listened - that made me realise it isn't okay to accept things as they are. If we stop dreaming, aspiring to something, we may as well just settle down and give up. Accept that you're never going to better yourself and start counting the 100% attendance certificates from secondary school that you were awarded with because if you give up now, that's as good as it's going to get.

I'm not going to lie, when the conversation took place I was a little bit drunk (a tiny bit). I don't remember it word for word but what I do remember went something like this "don't give up on your dreams, don't let stupid chavvy boys get in your way and make sure you achieve something. You're headstrong, I know you're not stupid but just make sure you try to pursue the career you want." - the conversation came from somebody I met 5 months ago. I rarely listen to my parents because what 19 year old does? But hearing that sort of thing come from the mouth of somebody who hasn't known me that long has really opened my eyes to what's around me; everything there is for me to achieve and pursue, the relationships I've missed opportunities because of and the people I've wasted my time on.

I haven't been able to write in so long and I'll hold my hands up and admit that it's because I've either been too lazy or too drunk but that's about to change. I'm throwing myself head first into writing and pursuing it as a career and regardless of how long that takes me, at least I'll know it's not for my lack of trying.

"If you fail, well at least you know you tried."

"Music CAN change the world because it can change people."

What I love about this generation is it's ability to embrace all kinds of music; okay so it might be because Topshop have mass produced John Lennon inspired glasses and H&M have filled their stock with Guns and Roses t-shirts but nevertheless, most people these days have heard of The Rolling Stones.
I was brought up on a diet of The Beatles, Fleetwood Mac, Queen, Pink Floyd and Elvis, so 'old' music runs through my veins; I'd much rather be stood with the silver foxes watching Bruce Springsteen then grinding on boys with tags around their ankles to 50 Cent.

Don't get me wrong, I love contemporary music as much as the next person; I have the biggest crush on Ed Sheeran and I wish Adele was my best friend. In fact, as 27 million people tuned in to watch the Olympic Opening Ceremony on Friday 27th July 2012, it goes without saying that I much preferred the Arctic Monkeys' cover of 'Come Together' than Paul McCartney's solo of 'Hey Jude' - although there's no denying Sir Paul has a good head of hair.

In a world where Justin Beiber is seen to be as talented as Elvis and Miley Cyrus is considered to be on the same wavelength as Stevie Nicks, it amazes me that sometimes, such strong music can be overlooked in favour of 'artists' such as Flo Rida and Misha B.

In terms of talent, it's obvious that over the last 5 years we've seen a ridiculous amount of talent feature in the charts...but there has also been an equal amount of absolute rubbish. As much as I love the catchy "What she order? Fish Fillet" lyric in 'Paris' - Jay Z feat. Kayne West, it's hardly as lyrical as "I woke up this morning and I got myself a beer, the future is uncertain and the end is always near" sung by The Doors, is it?
I understand that there are amazing artists out there who get overshadowed by the likes of Chris Brown and Wiley in the charts and I don't deny that. But I do believe that artists such as Jim Morrison and Elvis, legendary artists who changed the way music is made in this day and age, get severely overlooked in favour of 'musicians' who barely deserve to have that title placed upon their head.

For the past 5 years, I've shunned genres of music such as R'n'B, Hip-Hop, Mainstream/Chart, Urban, Drum & Bass and Grime purely because I found the ideals of bands such as The Beatles much more believable. I didn't want to listen to a song to have innuendos about oral sex thrust in my face (Candy Shop - 50 Cent) especially because I find the idea of 50 Cent receiving oral sex hard to believe. The man might be clever when it comes to business but he does nothing for my sex drive. However, songs such as Strawberry Fields Forever and Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds were what I chose to blast through my headphones. Although it's pretty obvious that drugs were involved during the writing of these songs, they contain a level of honesty and purity that I think certain genres of music lack right now.

Obviously there are some musicians who don't fall under this umbrella of mainstream beats, take Amy Winehouse for example, but the majority of songs that are in the current charts lack sincerity and genuineness that songs from other generations are covered in. I get that, usually ,this all depends on genre (the lyrics, beat and production are all going to be aimed at a target audience...not everyone is as picky as I am when it comes to music) but it's just a shame that pretty much every single song in the UK hit 40 sounds exactly the same as the one played before it.

We come from a time when you couldn't shut your eyes without seeing a musical legend; Michael Jackson, Madonna, Elvis, Jeff Buckley, Mick Jagger, Brian May, Freddie Mercury, John Lennon, George Harrison, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, Ozzy Osbourne, Jimi Hendrix, Joni Mitchell, Johnny Cash, Eric Clapton, Bob Marley, Chuck Berry, Tom Waits, B.B King, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jnr, David Bowie, Aretha Franklin, Tina Turner, Stevie Wonder, Bruce Springsteen and Bob Dylan. I've listed a fair few (I realise I've left loads out) but I'm trying to prove that in comparison to that list, who have we got from the past 10 years who is equally as talented? Sorry, Justin Beiber doesn't count...

Okay, so we have Amy Winehouse, Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Jay Z, Chris Martin and Eminem...there probably is more from the top of my head, I can't think of anyone else that'll go down as a legend within music. Justin Beiber has done nothing for the music industry in the past 5 years, not like Frank Sinatra did. Maybe we've just more willing to accept music because it's better than nothing or maybe our standards have dropped.

I just can't explain how disappointing it is to see trends on Twitter such as 'Justin Bieber for President' and 'Miley is better than Whitney' when in reality, Justin and Miley have done absolutely nothing for the music industry except give 12 year olds a really bad musical taste.
It'd be nice to meet a teenager who has actually heard of John Lennon through his music and not just because their favourite high street store stocks merchandise made famous by him...

Are you happy now?

3 nights ago, I was sat in my friend's conservatory, drinking Strawberry and Lime Koppaberg out of a can with Kasabian providing the backing track, surrounded by some of my favourite people. 4 months ago, I would have had to travel for 2 hours, fork out £31 for travel and spend an hour packing a suitcase in order to experience a night like this. I never once took it for granted because it didn't happen often. I guess I've been considered a bit like an adopted member of my friend's family because for as long as I can remember, I've always been invited to these kind of nights. Usually, I seem to drink too much, say things I regret the next day and wake up only able to remember half the night (it's funny how I always seem to forget the part where I take off my clothes and run around the garden...) but I wouldn't change that for the world.

Yesterday night, one of my favourite people on this planet came to stay at mine; this involved a 2 hour tidy up (everybody refuses to tidy up because we believe we didn't make the mess...so things just stay messy until we get an excuse like somebody coming to visit to do everything), sausage sandwiches, lots of chocolate and hilarious conversation. We went to bed telling each other stuff about our past, talking about music and laughing. It was one of the most inspiring nights I've had recently, just being around somebody with the same like minded ambition and mindset...I'm telling you, it's a killer what ambition can do to you.

Tonight, I'm sat on my bed eating Terry's Chocolate Orange and drinking hot chocolate. I'm catching up with writing that I've been putting off for a while and after a super hot shower and a hair wash, I feel as though I'm ready to take on the world. But having sat here for a hour or so feeling sorry for myself because I had writer's block, my hair wasn't going right and my stomach just wouldn't stop rumbling, I've had a shot of inspiration straight to my brain because it got me thinking.

These nights listed above don't happen often. I usually finish work at stupid o'clock, rush home to eat, exercise, have a quick shower and sleep. I never really get an opportunity to let my hair down or revel in girl talk. I'm beyond grateful for being surrounded by super cool people, each of them making the nights I've mentioned really special (big shout out to Terry, whose Chocolate Orange is probably the best thing to happen to me) but at the same time, within that hour when I felt horribly down just because things weren't going my way, I discovered that MAYBE I do take things for granted.

For example, for the past 4 years I've wanted to move back to London. I moved back here 4 months ago and yet I've just found myself complaining about how lonely I am now I've moved 64 miles away from what has been my daily life for the past 8 years.
I have a brilliant job. Fair enough, it's not exactly what I want to be doing for the next couple of years, let alone for the rest of my life but for now, the money's alright and I've met some pretty cool people through it. But I've just sat here and contemplated calling in sick tomorrow purely because I'd rather spend all day in bed, watching daytime TV and eating chocolate...I won't call in sick but I can't tell you how tempting it is.

All of this crazy thinking made me realise that are we ever truly happy? We give ourselves what we want, or what we think we want yet we'll always manage to find obstacles to put in our way. We need something to moan about, something to complain about when somebody asks "are you okay?". Despite the serious lack of romance in my life and the fact that Victoria White, Jo Elvin or Caitlin Moran haven't e-mailed me begging me to become their writing sidekick, I have the majority of what I could possibly want, and need around me.

A roof over my head, food in my fridge (kind of...do cheese slices and a yoghurt count?), a working shower, clean water and some form of entertainment to keep me occupied.

Why is this never enough though?


P.S I've attached my new favourite song because I think the lyrics are breathtaking. Listen, you'll love it.

That I would be good whether with or without you

Since moving to London, I've learnt a lot. I've learnt the skills of a new job, I've learnt how self destructive my mind really is, I've learnt how to change that, I've learnt when to keep my mouth shut and when to speak up, I've learnt that exercise really is good for you, I've learnt that being vulnerable isn't necessarily a bad thing, I've learnt that I still have a long way to go, I've learnt how to manage my money (kind of), I've learnt to broaden my horizons when it comes to music, I've learnt that sometimes people just need to talk, I've learnt that I'm excellent at hiding things and keeping secrets, I've learnt that making coffee is a skill of which I've practically perfected, I've learnt how to eat at my desk without my manager seeing it, I've learnt how to deal with certain people and most importantly, I've learnt exactly who to waste my time with.

I'll be the first person to admit that at times, I can be stupidly naive. The minute somebody pays me the slightest bit of attention, I'm their's. I've always thought that everyone has the ability to be nice and thoughtful and caring and lovely. I've allowed myself to be sucked in by that thought; I'm now realising that this really isn't the case.

I've met 4 people here who have changed my world for the better, really and truly. They're another blog post entirely but they've opened my eyes properly to the world around me.

I'm learning, slowly, but surely about who really matters, who truly cares and who I can live without. It's a horrible process but one I'm learning from, constantly.
It's the people who text you at 7am in the morning just to say "have a good day", the people who know exactly what to do and what to say when you're feeling a bit down, the texts saying "you're doing great babe" when you need a little bit of reassurance, the random messages and phone calls reminding you that you're loved, albeit if it is by your Mum, the invitations, the people who arrange events just to give you something to look forward to, the people who brighten your day the moment their name flashes up on your phone, the ones who put you first, the ones who ask if you're okay, the people who will listen to you moaning and make you fajitas for no reason. These people matter.

I've been naive in the sense that the people I've thought, for so long, would be there for me when things got a little tough, are the ones who haven't. Yet I've still held a torch for them. I've made excuses and tried to come up with reasons as to why things have changed but there's no right or wrong; people change and the most you can do is accept it.

Accept it, appreciate those that do all the above and understand that sometimes, people come into your life for fleeting moments to teach you little lessons. Nothing is forever and it doesn't have to be. Friendship is sacred regardless of how long it lasts.

I'm getting there when it comes to learning this. I'll get there.