Thursday, 12 April 2012

Tell me please is this worth it.

Ask any one of my friends what my personality is like and I guarantee you that the majority of them will tell you I'm a free spirit. Not one to be tied down, always on the look out for something new, constantly needing a change of scenery. I don't do well when I'm feeling suffocated. I put myself in situations that I can escape from easily and the moment I feel myself being pulled under, I'll run. Some call it unreliable, I call it adventurous. Spontaneity makes me extremely happy and I think plans that have been organised 15 minutes before being put into action make the best memories.
That being said, I'm probably one of the cowardly people I know. Underneath that whole 'free spirit' front, I spend about 2 days deciding what to have for dinner, I make a pro/con list before I make big decisions and I plan on getting 'courage' tattooed on my wrist to remind me to always be brave.

I think it's necessary to point out that I'm a huge fan of shaking things up; I just don't like the outcomes. If we could make big decisions without having to deal with the consequences, I'd be much happier. I'm not sensible, but I'm not exactly 'wild'. I might decide and actually dye my hair green within the space of 2 hours, but it takes me weeks to decide what my next blog post is going to focus around. Writing that has made me realise that maybe I just have my priorities confused...

A week ago, when I announced I was moving to London, I think it's safe to say that my family and friends were shocked. Although I've been saying I want to move out of Eastbourne for the past 4 years, nobody actually thought I had the balls to pack up and leave. Yet that's exactly what I've done.
Ok, I'm living with my brother and his girlfriend and I still phone my Mum daily. I get help with my washing and if I don't have enough money for lunch, my brother will lend it to me. I have a free gym membership (that I'll be making use of extremely soon) and my only real bill is a phone bill. Some would say that I had a pretty easy decision: stay in Eastbourne and rot or move to London and flourish.
But in Eastbourne I had my parents, I had a secure friendship group, friends who would drop everything for me, dinner on the table at half 6, I knew the bus timetable of by heart, I had relationships and casual sex arrangements (totally necessary if you want to remain sane while living in a small town), my doctor's surgery was 4 minutes from my door and I didn't have to do anything apart from keep my bedroom tidy (obviously I helped out a bit more though). Pretty easy.

Moving to London has been the scariest thing I've ever done. Fuck getting tattooed, or dying my hair orange; those type of things have nothing on moving 64 miles away from your home and parents. I know I'm nearly 19 but I know about 5 people in London and most of those have a 9 to 5 like me. The chances of us catching up are quite low.
Regardless of all the luxuries I have around me, I still get lonely. That free spirit personality is kind of capped when you have nobody to be 'free' with.

Although this may seem like a huge moan, I'm finding London fun. I enjoy work (for the moment), I've made a few friends, I've actually got the next 4 days planned AND I'm out of the house, I'm losing weight, I've got independence, I live in a really pretty road, I have a train station 2 minutes away from my house, I get to wear smart clothes to work and I like the way I look in a blazer, I'm having to try to make friends; I haven't had to do that in ages and I'm starting to appreciate my Mum a hell of a lot more than I did when I was living at home.
I may have made the decision to take the job and move here in less than 20 minutes, but it's easily one of the best 'free spirited' things I've ever done. And after the green hair dye decision, I'm sure my hair will also agree...

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