Tuesday, 3 April 2012
& so it's 4am, I'm on the road again to find some peace.
As I've said in previous blog posts, I've just 'finished' something that was pretty serious - at least in my eyes, anyway - and while I'm trying my hardest to be strong about the whole situations, sometimes it just all gets a little bit too much.
Ok, it wasn't a 5 year relationship and it was a pretty rubbish relationship, if I'm being honest with you, but my heart was still involved and for a while, it was so fucking great that right now, looking back on things, it feels like the greatest love story since Noah and Allie. In actual fact, we were probably more like Rachel and Joey from Friends; we should never have happened.
But we did and as much as I'd like to go back to the times when all we shared was a pretty good friendship, I can't. I'm cool with that, I've got nothing but peace knowing I've lost a friendship AND a relationship and as surprising as it sounds considering I don't do closure very well, I feel like I'm over that part of my life...maybe not 100%, but almost definitely at least 67% over it. I'm getting there.
I've just seen some news about this person; pretty great news actually. Life changing, in fact. I couldn't be happier for them. Without a doubt in my mind, forgetting just how much crap we put each other through, they are one of the coolest and smartest people I've ever met. Inspiring, encouraging, absolutely amazing and funny, as well. They deserve this more than I can explain.
It's not like me to admit to things like this, considering I try my absolute hardest to be 'cool', but it's times like this that I really wish I could change just how things have ended up. I just want to message them and say "y'know what? I'm really bloody proud of you. You rock my world and I hope we can be friends because you're really great." but that's almost impossible. They wouldn't want to hear it.
So tonight, instead of spending my evening crying into my pillow, regretting everything that happened between us, I'm going to get dressed up, put on my make-up and skinny jeans and have a laugh with some of my best pals. For those 6 months when everything was great, I gave my absolute everything to every single aspect of my life because I so wanted it all to work out. We had plans and we had imagined a future - I get that some of you are thinking "you're 18?! Why imagine a future when you barely know what you're going to be doing next week?" but it honestly felt truly different with this person - and in the aftermath of this stupid breakdown of such a cool friendship, as well as a shitty relationship, I lost all of that.
It's such a shame to see something so nice end up so bitter but as they say, these things happen for a reason. They've moved on with their life and while I wasn't exactly stood waiting around for them to move on first, I finally feel as if I can breathe a bit more gently.
Here's to the next silly chapter of my life :)