Are you happy now?

3 nights ago, I was sat in my friend's conservatory, drinking Strawberry and Lime Koppaberg out of a can with Kasabian providing the backing track, surrounded by some of my favourite people. 4 months ago, I would have had to travel for 2 hours, fork out £31 for travel and spend an hour packing a suitcase in order to experience a night like this. I never once took it for granted because it didn't happen often. I guess I've been considered a bit like an adopted member of my friend's family because for as long as I can remember, I've always been invited to these kind of nights. Usually, I seem to drink too much, say things I regret the next day and wake up only able to remember half the night (it's funny how I always seem to forget the part where I take off my clothes and run around the garden...) but I wouldn't change that for the world.

Yesterday night, one of my favourite people on this planet came to stay at mine; this involved a 2 hour tidy up (everybody refuses to tidy up because we believe we didn't make the mess...so things just stay messy until we get an excuse like somebody coming to visit to do everything), sausage sandwiches, lots of chocolate and hilarious conversation. We went to bed telling each other stuff about our past, talking about music and laughing. It was one of the most inspiring nights I've had recently, just being around somebody with the same like minded ambition and mindset...I'm telling you, it's a killer what ambition can do to you.

Tonight, I'm sat on my bed eating Terry's Chocolate Orange and drinking hot chocolate. I'm catching up with writing that I've been putting off for a while and after a super hot shower and a hair wash, I feel as though I'm ready to take on the world. But having sat here for a hour or so feeling sorry for myself because I had writer's block, my hair wasn't going right and my stomach just wouldn't stop rumbling, I've had a shot of inspiration straight to my brain because it got me thinking.

These nights listed above don't happen often. I usually finish work at stupid o'clock, rush home to eat, exercise, have a quick shower and sleep. I never really get an opportunity to let my hair down or revel in girl talk. I'm beyond grateful for being surrounded by super cool people, each of them making the nights I've mentioned really special (big shout out to Terry, whose Chocolate Orange is probably the best thing to happen to me) but at the same time, within that hour when I felt horribly down just because things weren't going my way, I discovered that MAYBE I do take things for granted.

For example, for the past 4 years I've wanted to move back to London. I moved back here 4 months ago and yet I've just found myself complaining about how lonely I am now I've moved 64 miles away from what has been my daily life for the past 8 years.
I have a brilliant job. Fair enough, it's not exactly what I want to be doing for the next couple of years, let alone for the rest of my life but for now, the money's alright and I've met some pretty cool people through it. But I've just sat here and contemplated calling in sick tomorrow purely because I'd rather spend all day in bed, watching daytime TV and eating chocolate...I won't call in sick but I can't tell you how tempting it is.

All of this crazy thinking made me realise that are we ever truly happy? We give ourselves what we want, or what we think we want yet we'll always manage to find obstacles to put in our way. We need something to moan about, something to complain about when somebody asks "are you okay?". Despite the serious lack of romance in my life and the fact that Victoria White, Jo Elvin or Caitlin Moran haven't e-mailed me begging me to become their writing sidekick, I have the majority of what I could possibly want, and need around me.

A roof over my head, food in my fridge (kind of...do cheese slices and a yoghurt count?), a working shower, clean water and some form of entertainment to keep me occupied.

Why is this never enough though?


P.S I've attached my new favourite song because I think the lyrics are breathtaking. Listen, you'll love it.

That I would be good whether with or without you

Since moving to London, I've learnt a lot. I've learnt the skills of a new job, I've learnt how self destructive my mind really is, I've learnt how to change that, I've learnt when to keep my mouth shut and when to speak up, I've learnt that exercise really is good for you, I've learnt that being vulnerable isn't necessarily a bad thing, I've learnt that I still have a long way to go, I've learnt how to manage my money (kind of), I've learnt to broaden my horizons when it comes to music, I've learnt that sometimes people just need to talk, I've learnt that I'm excellent at hiding things and keeping secrets, I've learnt that making coffee is a skill of which I've practically perfected, I've learnt how to eat at my desk without my manager seeing it, I've learnt how to deal with certain people and most importantly, I've learnt exactly who to waste my time with.

I'll be the first person to admit that at times, I can be stupidly naive. The minute somebody pays me the slightest bit of attention, I'm their's. I've always thought that everyone has the ability to be nice and thoughtful and caring and lovely. I've allowed myself to be sucked in by that thought; I'm now realising that this really isn't the case.

I've met 4 people here who have changed my world for the better, really and truly. They're another blog post entirely but they've opened my eyes properly to the world around me.

I'm learning, slowly, but surely about who really matters, who truly cares and who I can live without. It's a horrible process but one I'm learning from, constantly.
It's the people who text you at 7am in the morning just to say "have a good day", the people who know exactly what to do and what to say when you're feeling a bit down, the texts saying "you're doing great babe" when you need a little bit of reassurance, the random messages and phone calls reminding you that you're loved, albeit if it is by your Mum, the invitations, the people who arrange events just to give you something to look forward to, the people who brighten your day the moment their name flashes up on your phone, the ones who put you first, the ones who ask if you're okay, the people who will listen to you moaning and make you fajitas for no reason. These people matter.

I've been naive in the sense that the people I've thought, for so long, would be there for me when things got a little tough, are the ones who haven't. Yet I've still held a torch for them. I've made excuses and tried to come up with reasons as to why things have changed but there's no right or wrong; people change and the most you can do is accept it.

Accept it, appreciate those that do all the above and understand that sometimes, people come into your life for fleeting moments to teach you little lessons. Nothing is forever and it doesn't have to be. Friendship is sacred regardless of how long it lasts.

I'm getting there when it comes to learning this. I'll get there.

11 things.

The funny thing about this post is that I started writing it with '10 Things I Hate About You' in mind; one of my best friend's just posted a similar blog and I woke up to a text saying "it helps xxx" so I thought I'd give it a shot of my own, considering I spent last night basically in tears because of the person this is about. But as I started writing it, '7 Things I Hate About You' - Miley Cyrus popped into my head and I was instantly reminded of another bullet point that goes against your favour. So I changed the title to 11 things because it makes more sense. These are the only 11 things I can think of and trust me, it was hard even thinking of these. I don't want to hate anybody - that's not my style - but know that these things just take me right back to square one where you're concerned. Let me hate you, just for these 11 things please, because it's all I've got: 

1. Your ability to make me question every single one of my morals.

2. The way you make me laugh all the time; I just want to be able to be angry with you for more than 5 seconds.

3. Your car.

4. How big of a part you have in my life, whether I like it or not. I can't change that.

5. The way you know what I'm going to say, waaaay before I've even said it.

6. How you know me better than I know myself sometimes.

7. The way you'd order the drinks I hate whenever we went out so I couldn't drink your drink as well as my own. Nice way of preventing me from getting too drunk there.

8. How most people fall in love with you the minute they meet you.

9. Your ability to make me the happiest I've ever been and also the saddest I've ever been as well, in the space of 10 minutes.

10. How much you still inspire me. 

11. The way, even now, you make me think of cheesy pop songs. 

IAmMusic.TV

Just before Christmas 2011, I started writing for a blog that goes by the name of IAmMusic. It combined unsigned artists, new and unseen videos, fresh talent and wicked competitions that allowed readers to win tickets for hot gigs and events. I've always been passionate about writing and that passion has always coincided with music so being able to combine both of them when it came to writing for the site was really a dream come true.

The creator of the site, Ms Carly Wilford, is as much of a dream as her website is; easily one of my favourite people, she's always hot on the freshest batch of talent and coolest events and she's bloody hilarious with it.
What with working a 37.5 hour week, desperately trying to have some form of social life and get my recommended hours of sleep, blogging can be such a hard task because sometimes, the words just don't come out right or my tiredness takes over and I find myself rambling about whatever/whoever it is I'm writing about. I'm SO lucky that Carly gets that because I'm able to write for the site whenever I can, there's no pressure whatsoever and the best thing about it is that I'm free (and so are the other bloggers) to publish any talented finds of our own.

It's pretty inspiring seeing how far Carly's got the site now; it's on the tip of people's tongues, the Twitter page has 8,000 followers and interviews include Tom Cruise, Russell Brand & Plan B. I know I'm bias when I say this but IAmMusic is going to be the hottest thing to hit your laptops/computers/eyes and I'm backing it all the way. I really do advise that you all go check it out, like the Facebook page, give us a follow on Twitter and get reading because it's gonna be HUGE.

Website: http://www.iammusic.tv/
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/groups/127747973995101/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/#!/IAmMusicTV

I hate that I'm not your's, I hate that you're not mine.

I go back to work tomorrow after the most relaxed 4 day weekend. I'm sat here listening to Frank Hamilton and I can't get one person out of my mind. It's the most frustrating feeling in the world because they're the last person I want in my head.

I can't get their smile, their laugh, the way they drink awful alcoholic drinks, their tattoos, their piercings, their voice, their stupid car, the way they make me feel like the most special person in this Universe, the promises they made me and the history behind us out of my brain. I could sit here for days thinking about how much I miss them and how they have the ability to make me go from feeling happy to sad within 2 seconds. Nobody gets it because it's such a fucked up situation but I don't even really want anybody else to understand because what we have is our's. Nobody else's.

I can't get silly little memories out of my head. Like the time you told me you loved me for the first time. That was nice. How nervous I was the first time we saw each other at our most vulnerable, sober and how calm you made me feel. How content you made me feel...

I wish this was different. I've never missed somebody more than I do right now. Let's just forget everything for a little while, please. I'd give anything to lay in bed with you, watching Miranda, eating pizza and making each other laugh, just for a night.

Smoke another cigarette but they don't taste the same...

...I know we had the map out, but 'lost' is my middle name.

The Doctor says I'll have to wait until the alcohol wears off.

It was 4am in the morning and I was sat in A&E, waiting to find out how my best friend was doing after slicing her arm to pieces. I'd been at the hospital along with her Mum and boyfriend since 1.30am and although we didn't know it at the time, we wouldn't be leaving the hospital until 11am the next morning. We'd spend 10 hours in hospital with nothing to do but talk to each other, panic about the previous unfoldings of the evening and work out where it all went wrong.

That day, we had gone to Camden for a day full of an alcohol filled lunch, lots of shopping and random intervals where the other's would have to drag me out of numerous tattoo parlours before I walked out with 'Ken' tattooed in a love heart on my thigh. It was typically my favourite kind of day. I love Camden, I love alcohol, I love shopping and I love that I know my best friend and her family will happily waste their time stopping me from doing something I'd later regret. Roll forward 7 hours later and that brilliant day out seemed like a distant memory.

Hospitals do strange things to people; when I was little, I remember my Dad working at one and on a Saturday morning, after dropping my Mum to work, he'd drive me into his department - where there was a teddy bear wearing a bandage stuck to the department's exterior wall -, make me a cup of tea and leave me with a word search in his office for 20 minutes while he checked that everything was running smoothly. Then as I got older, the hospital became a place I'd fear. Knowing I HAD no choice, if I wanted to get better, than to go there was petrifying at 15 and everything from the clinical white decoration to the way the reception staff were so friendly evoked some kind of emotion that made me want to run screaming from the hills. But then my Granddad died and visiting him hours before he passed away, I saw how hard the staff worked to keep him positive in his last moments and suddenly, this place I once feared became a place I respected. But while I was sat there for those 10 hours, waiting on news about my friend, the hospital just made me think.

It made me think about every decision I've ever made - it made me doubt them, justify them and agree with them all at once -, it made me think about every single person I consider a priority in my life and whether they feel the same (or am I merely an option to them?) and it made me think about what I want to do with my life and how I want to be viewed.
Do I really want to be known as the girl who has a one night stand with somebody she's just met because it'll be a funny story to tell after a glass of wine? Do I want to be known as the girl who can list every single side effect of cocaine because she's felt the effect of it one too many times? And, do I really want to be known as the girl who ran away from the problems she had in a small town, only to create more in an even bigger city?

The collective answer to those 3 questions is no. I don't want to make a decision based purely on the fact that the action will perhaps give a chuckle to a handful of people. I want my family to be proud of me and know that the decisions I make in the future are well thought out and detailed.I would really like to start a story without the first sentence being "so I was really drunk/out of my face..." and lastly, I'd really like to look back in 40 years time and truthfully say "D'ya know what? I HAVE had fun, I have no drunken regrets and I've lived a bloody good life. Plus, I can remember everything from aged 19 upwards because I wasn't so drunk I could barely remember my own name or so high that I chewed the skin from my wrist bones."
I really just want to look back on this crazy thing we call life and not want to cringe from embarrassment.

We all make mistakes - that's a fact. If you can find me one person who will hold their hands up and honestly say they've lived each day perfectly and haven't fucked up once, I'll salute you. In fact, I'll write you a cheque for £1000 (I haven't actually got this much in my bank account so please don't try to prove me right as I won't be able to pay you) and get your name tattooed on my forehead (again, please don't do this. I can't fulfil it. I quite like my forehead). I'll hold my hands up right now and admit that I've made my fair share of them but instead of being sat in that hospital, letting these bad decisions eat me up from the inside, I made probably the most sensible decision I've ever made to start afresh and THINK properly before I act upon something.

Don't get me wrong, I'll still be spontaneously dying my hair green and getting silly things tattooed on me because I'm bored one day but I'm hoping this means I'll be spending less time propped up at the bar, ordering large glasses of wine because I want to forget my previous actions. That night at the hospital, I saw who I want to be and how I want to be viewed. I also saw the type of person I don't want to become. The one thing that was a little bit shady is how to get to where I want to be.
But that's the exciting part; I'm learning every single step of the way and I'm figuring it all out in my head instead of trying to figure out what exactly did happen on that random night out.

Although that night in A&E wasn't very pleasant and I can safely say we all would rather have been at home, drinking tea and watching a random music programme, we all discovered something about ourselves.
Personally, I discovered I have heaps of courage and I should really be putting it to good use instead of bad. Stop being courageous when it comes to sexual experimentation and drugs and start being fearless in my career and ambitions. That's exactly what this is all about.

It's about using your powers for good, instead of evil and striving to be a better person. I've always said that this is my main goal in life - to be a better version of the person I am - but I'm actually going to start putting that into practise.

I guess I have a lot to thank that night in hospital for...(despite my friend probably feeling otherwise, I know that eventually she'll look back on this crazy night and realise everything that happened was for the best. Even if it may not seem like it now.)