Thursday, 1 March 2012

"They are better than the penis."

VagJJ, peach, lala, nooni, nunki, fendango, sideways smile, c*nt, bearded clam, coochie, muffin, fairy, whispering eye...there are so many pet names for the vagina yet it still remains a most. Sure, we can reel off 30 nicknames for it in under a minute but when it comes to answering questions like "is it true that the vagina can 're-virginise' itself if you don't have sex for a long time?", we appear to be completely stumped.

I don't normally spend my days confused about the vagina but after a conversation concerning lady bits with two of my best friends, we came to the conclusion that nobody really knows enough about the vagina and if they do, they sure ain't as hell letting anybody else in on anything. It's an important part of a woman's body but we're so quick to make silly mistakes with it when surely, we should be doing nothing but looking after our vagjj? I don't mean in the sense that we should all wrap our peach up in cotton wool but we really should be more clued up on all things vagina.

Questions like "is my vagina normal?", "will it stretch if a guy is too big?" and the ol' classic "should I shave or not?" are all questions that enter a girl's head at some stage in her life. It's inevitable to feel a bit insecure about a part of the body that we have little access too. Because, let's face it, unless you watch a lot of porn (and even then, this is completely unrealistic), spend your weekends playing 'show and tell' with your girlfriends or you actually watch shows like 'The Joys of Teen Sex' outside of a Sex Education class, you're not really going to see other vaginas.
Try to have a conversation about your vagina and I guarantee you, you'll be cringing within 5 minutes. It seems so socially unacceptable for us women to discuss our lady parts but yet, just the other day, I was forced to listen to two guys chatting about their 'love truncheons' at a high volume on the bus. I have no problem with this type of conversation; after all, a problem shared is a problem halved. But what I do have a problem with is how it's okay for chaps to discuss their 'Mr Tickles' all they want, but God forbid a women asking a friend what the deal is when it comes to shaving.

"I can honestly say I'd rather jump in shark-infested waters naked than talk to my mum about this particular subject." - Grace

When it comes to vagina discovery, it seems that we're completely alone in the situation. Unless you're lucky enough to have a really close best friend/group of friends, everything is a one woman job and boy, can that be hard. If you're like me and you'd rather run naked across Tower Bridge than ask your Mum about your vagjj, this discovery really does feel like you're climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. There are so many steps to reaching the title of 'Vagina Expert' and there's no-one there to help you take these steps. The only solution is to grab a mirror, sit down and stare at your peach until you know your vagina like the back of your hand. It's a Thursday night, what else have you got to do?

The big issue I really struggled with was whether I was 'normal' 'down there'. I'm not being funny, but the minute you type 'is my vagina normal?' into Google, you're asking for trouble. I've read so many myths about the size of the clitoris* ("I saw one that was the size of my ring finger!") that I could probably write a book entitled "Lies of the Clitoris" with ease. The conclusion I came too was "fuck it. We only get one vagina, if it's weird then there's not much I can do about it now. Let's blame my parents."
Life is too short to spend worrying over the size of your vagina. Sure, there's surgery to 'correct' it, but seriously, it's for you, your GP and your partner. Unless you really are prepared to run across Tower Bridge naked, why does it matter whether your vagjj is normal?!

I've always been funny about body hair (left without waxing strips or a razor, I really do look like an extra in Planet of the Apes), so I've always worried about what to do with pubic hair. Again, I couldn't really ask my Mum over a roast dinner "Mum, how to do shave *down there*?", so stupidly, I took to Google. You would have thought I'd have learnt my lesson. Never in my life do I want to see what I saw that day. Trust me when I say (or go to Google yourself) that literally anything goes. One woman had a thick line of hair that resembles Hitler's moustache and another had a love heart. I knew then that that was my cue to stop worrying.

In a world where porn is so accessible, it's also probably helpful if I just say this: ONLY PORN STARS SHOULD HAVE PORN STAR VAGINAS. Your's doesn't have to look like it's about to star in 'Titty Woman' so just embrace what you've got.
As much as it pains me to say this, as the idea of childbirth is enough to make me want to grab a needle and thread and sew myself up, there's going to come a day (maybe) when a baby is going to come out of your vagina. And that day will be the happiest day of your life. You'll thank God that you were blessed your fendango, regardless of whether you've shaved or not.

So this is my plea to every single woman who reads this: don't be ashamed to talk about your peach. It's actually a beautiful thing (not literally because let's face it, they're ugly!) and we shouldn't ever feel like we have to censor ourselves. If you have a question, ask a friend and please, don't resort to Google. Your eyes will never be the same again.
I've asked so many people what they think about their vagina, in order to write this blog with a little bit of knowledge and so many people have turned around and said "I've never actually had a conversation about it."  My question is - why not?
Get your friends together, grab a bottle of wine and get discussing your vaginas because as the title says, they're easily the winner of all things genitals.

*In reality, the clitoris should range from 1 to 1¼ inches (including the hood)

P.S in the meantime, if your friends are busy or you genuinely don't have any, look here for any answers you might need: vagina facts - so helpful.

1 comment:

  1. This is awesome babes, I genuinely fancy chatting about "girl business" now. I'll get the wine, you get the chocolate ;) xxx