Ever since I was about 14, I've had my elderly years set in stone; I'm going to live in a bungalow, which is going to be decorated like it's never left the 60s - with floral carpets, floral wallpaper and big comfy (floral) armchairs -, with a vegetable patch that'll grow only weeds, a cupboard filled to the brim with expensive alcohol and a room dedicated to writing. There'll be a typewriter, piles of notebooks scattered around the floor and the walls will be filled with books. I'll have a pen collection that I'll never use and I'll have a hallway covered in picture frames, that will house my published writing.
It's silly but that's going to be my oasis. Laugh all you want but just know that it's going to happen.
What's funny is that whenever I picture that setting, I always picture myself alone. I'll have cats - obviously - but no husband/partner beside me. The freezers will be stacked with ready meals for one, I'll have one single shot glass in the cupboard for when I'm feeling crazy and there'll be one toothbrush by the sink. While this should probably make me want to send off a Lonely Hearts ad at this very moment, in an attempt to prevent this horror from happening, it just makes me smile. If this should be the case, I'm content in knowing that I'll have plenty of memories to keep me warm at night.
See, I may only be 18 but already I've had 'relationships' with people who have really turned my world upside down. And I know, that by the time I'm 70 and in that crazy bungalow, I'll have met so many more people who have shaken everything up so much so that it's impossible to go back to how life was without them in it.
I know this because Alanis Morissette says so. Ok, so she hasn't blatantly told me this but I knew she would if she could.
However, she has sung about it. In her song 'Unsent', she talks to the people who have had the biggest effect on her life and says everything she felt she couldn't say about the relationship while she was in it. She specifically talks to ex-boyfriends/people she's had romantic entanglements with because she said that it gave her the closure which she needed to move on. She still has the memories but the bitterness has disappeared and she's free to carry on with her life, taking nothing but happiness and wisdom and knowledge from these relationships. She's in her crazy bungalow, writing this song and when I first heard it, I knew she also had her single shot glass by her side.
The question I ask myself every time I hear 'Unsent' is this: how am I expected to imagine somebody stood next to me in that bungalow, with their toothbrush next to mine, if I don't know who to imagine?
I haven't received the closure from previous relationships (I use this term lightly as I'm also talking about friendships and non-sexual relationships, as well as sexual relationships) that allows me to move on and picture somebody completely new, putting a second shot glass next to mine in the cupboard.
So here's my 'Unsent':
Dear Ashley, we never should have let things get as far as they did. I was young and you felt trapped. You gave me my first taste of what it was like to feel loved by somebody who didn't have to love me and I hope you finally learn how to breathe easy.
Dear Paul , what happened that night should never have happened and it should never have been repeated either. However, I'm thankful that we both finally grew up enough to understand why it did happen and that we're able to smile about it now.
Dear Leigh, we both should have been more sensible when it came to our friendship. I should never have been so selfish and you should never have been so confident. It's such a shame how things have ended and even though it's still quite raw at the moment, I'll always want 'nothing but butterflies' for you.
Dear John, remember that time we sat in your car on the beach and you told me every single light hanging between the lamp-posts was for me? On good days, I can't get your smile out of my mind. On bad days, I can't stop thinking about how I made you cry. I mess things up because nothing will ever be as good as it was with you. Our story still has millions of pages left before the end is even in sight. Right now, you're the person I want to be the owner of that second shot glass.
Dear Chris, I like you a lot. You're nothing but supportive, honest and encouraging. Your friendship is one that words can't even explain and attempting to articulate how thankful I am for your presence would be a silly idea as I don't have a clue where to begin. I wish you could see just how other's see you. You've made me believe that you don't need wings to fly.
Dear Sam, you have so much potential to do such amazing things but you insist on wasting it away in this tiny little town. I've never understood the way your brain works and there was a time where I'd have walked on burning coals for you. Our differences have always outweighed our similarities and I've just stopped fooling myself into thinking we'd be the perfect match. I'll always tell you when you're being an idiot and in turn, you better put that crazy brain of your's to good use. You're so much better than you believe.
Dear Lou, you taught me so much. You were my summer romance that spiralled out of control and I'll always remember the way your face looked under the moonlight when we used to lay under the stars. You're the reason I hate emotion and the soft side to a physical relationship but you're also the reason I love Bright Eyes and sofa beds. Your stupidity overtakes your passion at the moment, I hope that changes.
(I'm not going to send this out to individual people and I have changed every single name, purely because this it far too personal for my liking. Obviously the list of people who have had an effect on my life is ongoing but the people listed in this blog are all the people I have something to say to right now, at this current moment. I realise this is quite selfish of me and I'm doing this for a purely self beneficial reason but I figured Alanis knew what she was doing when she wrote her 'Unsent' and this is me, taking a stab in the dark, and guessing that this is what I'm supposed to be doing.)