Tell me please is this worth it.

Ask any one of my friends what my personality is like and I guarantee you that the majority of them will tell you I'm a free spirit. Not one to be tied down, always on the look out for something new, constantly needing a change of scenery. I don't do well when I'm feeling suffocated. I put myself in situations that I can escape from easily and the moment I feel myself being pulled under, I'll run. Some call it unreliable, I call it adventurous. Spontaneity makes me extremely happy and I think plans that have been organised 15 minutes before being put into action make the best memories.
That being said, I'm probably one of the cowardly people I know. Underneath that whole 'free spirit' front, I spend about 2 days deciding what to have for dinner, I make a pro/con list before I make big decisions and I plan on getting 'courage' tattooed on my wrist to remind me to always be brave.

I think it's necessary to point out that I'm a huge fan of shaking things up; I just don't like the outcomes. If we could make big decisions without having to deal with the consequences, I'd be much happier. I'm not sensible, but I'm not exactly 'wild'. I might decide and actually dye my hair green within the space of 2 hours, but it takes me weeks to decide what my next blog post is going to focus around. Writing that has made me realise that maybe I just have my priorities confused...

A week ago, when I announced I was moving to London, I think it's safe to say that my family and friends were shocked. Although I've been saying I want to move out of Eastbourne for the past 4 years, nobody actually thought I had the balls to pack up and leave. Yet that's exactly what I've done.
Ok, I'm living with my brother and his girlfriend and I still phone my Mum daily. I get help with my washing and if I don't have enough money for lunch, my brother will lend it to me. I have a free gym membership (that I'll be making use of extremely soon) and my only real bill is a phone bill. Some would say that I had a pretty easy decision: stay in Eastbourne and rot or move to London and flourish.
But in Eastbourne I had my parents, I had a secure friendship group, friends who would drop everything for me, dinner on the table at half 6, I knew the bus timetable of by heart, I had relationships and casual sex arrangements (totally necessary if you want to remain sane while living in a small town), my doctor's surgery was 4 minutes from my door and I didn't have to do anything apart from keep my bedroom tidy (obviously I helped out a bit more though). Pretty easy.

Moving to London has been the scariest thing I've ever done. Fuck getting tattooed, or dying my hair orange; those type of things have nothing on moving 64 miles away from your home and parents. I know I'm nearly 19 but I know about 5 people in London and most of those have a 9 to 5 like me. The chances of us catching up are quite low.
Regardless of all the luxuries I have around me, I still get lonely. That free spirit personality is kind of capped when you have nobody to be 'free' with.

Although this may seem like a huge moan, I'm finding London fun. I enjoy work (for the moment), I've made a few friends, I've actually got the next 4 days planned AND I'm out of the house, I'm losing weight, I've got independence, I live in a really pretty road, I have a train station 2 minutes away from my house, I get to wear smart clothes to work and I like the way I look in a blazer, I'm having to try to make friends; I haven't had to do that in ages and I'm starting to appreciate my Mum a hell of a lot more than I did when I was living at home.
I may have made the decision to take the job and move here in less than 20 minutes, but it's easily one of the best 'free spirited' things I've ever done. And after the green hair dye decision, I'm sure my hair will also agree...

"Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans"

As my soul-mate John Lennon once said "life is what happens while you're busy making other plans". The craziest things happen when we least expect them and that's what usually makes them so exciting; you're not prepared, you're unorganised and you have other things on your mind. It would be understatement to say that I was unprepared for what I'm about to write about. I was so far from organised that it actually hurts to think about how much I've had to do in the past 3 days.
If you want my advice, it's just a lot easier to stay where you are. Fuck moving out, screw moving to the big city, just stay put. Nothing can prepare you for the amount of dust, hidden objects you should have put in the bin and old photographs you'll come across. Nothing whatsoever.

For those of you that read my blog regularly, you'll know that moving back to London has always been a bit of a dream for me. I love the smell of the city, the different atmospheres depending on postal code, how it feels as if almost anything is possible, how easy it is to just jump on a tube and have an adventure on the underground, how stony faced some people can people while others are the kindest people you'll come across. I just love how poetic London is; the way the lights of offices filled with workers who never stop are always on, the difference between places like Chelsea and Sloane Square compared to Croydon and Hackney, the fact that something is ALWAYS happening - London doesn't slow down for anybody, or anything. It's bionic, it's magical and I'm absolutely ecstatic to write that I'm moving back there.

I've been travelling to London for job interviews since September. The train conductors on the Eastbourne - London Victoria train know me by name and whenever I get on a train, I'm always greeted with "good luck! What's it for this time?" - lovely, but annoying after the 5th interview. I always manage to get down to the final two applicants, but never further. Until this time.
I had an interview for an Administration Assistant's position within a debt collection agency on Thursday morning and by Thursday afternoon, I was declaring that I'd be leaving Eastbourne in 5 days.
Scary.

I've spent the past 4 days packing up the bedroom that has been mine for the past 7 years, saying goodbye to amazing friends and using the excuse "but I'm leaving in 48 hours" to get away with things I shouldn't be doing. I keep having to remind myself that this is what I've wanted for the past 4 years, because sometimes the emotion gets a bit too much. I'm a walking ball of tears at the moment because while I know it's not forever, and London is only a 70 minute train ride away, everything feels so final. I'm moving out.

& so it's 4am, I'm on the road again to find some peace.

Some people just have the crazy ability to leave me speechless; it doesn't happen often which is why when it does happen, I know that it must be serious.
As I've said in previous blog posts, I've just 'finished' something that was pretty serious - at least in my eyes, anyway - and while I'm trying my hardest to be strong about the whole situations, sometimes it just all gets a little bit too much.

Ok, it wasn't a 5 year relationship and it was a pretty rubbish relationship, if I'm being honest with you, but my heart was still involved and for a while, it was so fucking great that right now, looking back on things, it feels like the greatest love story since Noah and Allie. In actual fact, we were probably more like Rachel and Joey from Friends; we should never have happened.

But we did and as much as I'd like to go back to the times when all we shared was a pretty good friendship, I can't. I'm cool with that, I've got nothing but peace knowing I've lost a friendship AND a relationship and as surprising as it sounds considering I don't do closure very well, I feel like I'm over that part of my life...maybe not 100%, but almost definitely at least 67% over it. I'm getting there.

I've just seen some news about this person; pretty great news actually. Life changing, in fact. I couldn't be happier for them. Without a doubt in my mind, forgetting just how much crap we put each other through, they are one of the coolest and smartest people I've ever met. Inspiring, encouraging, absolutely amazing and funny, as well. They deserve this more than I can explain.
It's not like me to admit to things like this, considering I try my absolute hardest to be 'cool', but it's times like this that I really wish I could change just how things have ended up. I just want to message them and say "y'know what? I'm really bloody proud of you. You rock my world and I hope we can be friends because you're really great." but that's almost impossible. They wouldn't want to hear it.

So tonight, instead of spending my evening crying into my pillow, regretting everything that happened between us, I'm going to get dressed up, put on my make-up and skinny jeans and have a laugh with some of my best pals. For those 6 months when everything was great, I gave my absolute everything to every single aspect of my life because I so wanted it all to work out. We had plans and we had imagined a future - I get that some of you are thinking "you're 18?! Why imagine a future when you barely know what you're going to be doing next week?" but it honestly felt truly different with this person - and in the aftermath of this stupid breakdown of such a cool friendship, as well as a shitty relationship, I lost all of that.

It's such a shame to see something so nice end up so bitter but as they say, these things happen for a reason. They've moved on with their life and while I wasn't exactly stood waiting around for them to move on first, I finally feel as if I can breathe a bit more gently.
Here's to the next silly chapter of my life :)

I'm just saying, you could do better. Tell me, have you heard that lately?

I know I have a huge paragraph down the side of my blog listing everything I love but my brilliant friend, Raychel, has inspired me to be a bit of a loser and write a more detailed paragraph (or two), because I'm about to take a step towards probably the biggest adventure of my life. I'd like to be able to look back on this when I'm 80 and think "shit, I was actually a massive idiot when I was 18." so just go with it...

I like it when people compliment my handwriting. I hate the smell of ketchup. I have a huge fear of being dirty; I don't like getting dust over me and I especially don't like it when children wipe stuff (usually mud, jam or melted chocolate) over me. I've always had a fear of saliva. I like to reflect on things. I pretend I'm an emotionless bitch but I'm actually quite sensitive. I like the feeling of a hangover but will moan about it for days afterwards. I'm a hopeless romantic. My favourite film at the moment is Pretty Woman. My nails always have to be painted. I like Drake's lyrics. I have this strange habit of phoning people and singing random songs down the phone when I've had too much sugar. I like it when people phone me and sing down the phone. I can rap every single lyric of 'Superbass'. I've been saying I'm going to write a book this year but I have no motivation to even write my name recently. I re-read text messages all the time. I have a book where I write every nice thing somebody says about me. My room is always a mess. My gerbil is like my baby, but he hates me. I'm obsessed with pugs and crimped hair. I don't like Madonna. I think David Bowie is over-rated. I give out my details to random strangers when I'm drunk and get the shock of my life when they add me on Facebook. Over the past 3 weeks, I've met one person who has completely changed my world inside out; they don't even realise it. I got told I'm too good for somebody the other day. I don't think I am. Everything looks prettier in the sunshine. I'm ashamed to admit it but I get bored of the Beatles if I listen to them for too long. David Nicholls is my favourite writer at the moment. I'm awful with money and I can't save anything. I don't understand people at all. I like evenings spent hanging out in my friend's bedroom, eating her Mum's amazing roast potatoes and talking about orgasms. I'm a bit of a snob when it comes to certain things, but I can act like I'm in Shameless at the drop of a hat. It scares me when I don't talk to certain people for more than 2 days. I have to write in black ink; my handwriting looks messy in any other colour. I'm going to start sending people little 'thank you' cards randomly, because I don't think I express just how grateful I am to have them in my life sometimes. I never realised how much I depend on my I.D now that I'm 18. I turn 19 in 3 weeks and I really don't want too. I spend way too much time on Eastbourne - London Victoria trains. I'm allergic to alcohol but fuck it if I'm going to stop drinking it. I like smoking and drinking awful cider at posh gigs. I spend way too much time obsessing over how the future is going to turn out. I'm constantly missing something/someone. I have to go and get ready to take this big step...wish me luck x

Carrie Bradshaw just gets *it*.

Facts #6

I'm currently working a 40 hour week and I'm not being paid a thing; it's probably one of the most rewarding things I've ever done. I'm obsessed with my Pulp Fiction jumper and print leggings. I can't stand not having my nails painted. I think I've met somebody who has the potential to keep me living in this town...maybe. Until last night, I hadn't touched alcohol in 16 days; that's the longest I've been without alcohol in a year. Desperately wanting a pug and forever crimped hair. My best friends are back from University for a month and I couldn't be happier. The sunshine makes me so happy. Macaroni and cheese is my new food obsession. I'm going to see Alanis Morissette live in June and I'm currently obsessed with this song:

5-a-Day

This morning, one of my close friends tagged me in this photo on Facebook. It's a list of an alternative five-a-day on a crisp packet. The things they'll put on food to make it more interesting, right?
Besides giving me a deep rooted craving for Monster Munch, it also gave me something to think about for the majority of the day. According to the crisp packet, 5 things that'll without a doubt keep your spirits high are:
- A good strong cup of coffee
- A bit of battered cod
- A snooze after lunch
- A decent pint
- A bag of proper English crisps.
Forget 5 portions of fruit and veg a day, we're not rabbits. I'm all for embracing this alternative five a day. Like I said though, it's been playing on my mind all day, purely because I've been wondering if 5 simple things have the ability to keep my spirits high, 24/7.
I have issues with the list the crisp packet suggests because:
a) I'm not a huge fan of coffee
b) Battered cod is definitely not what I consider 'comfort food'
c) Snoozing after lunch would make it very awkward at work...
d) A pint a day would make us all very gas-y and that's not pretty.
e) I have no issue with the crisps. I agree that crisps are quite good.

While that list works for every English man who lives by the sea and has a penchant for real ale, it doesn't sit comfortably with me.
In my world, my 5-a-day would run like this:
- An orgasm, AT LEAST once a day.
- A fishfinger sandwich, with plastic cheese and ketchup.
- 3 bottles of Mixed Fruit OR Strawberry & Lime Koppaberg
- 60 minutes of laughing AND girl talk with my favourite girls
- A nice walk along the beach

If my list was made accessible to pretty much every single person on the planet, I'm 109% certain that the world would be a much happier place...

What would you say are your 5-a-days, if you have one? Tell me, tell me, tell me!
xx